You too can control the elephants in your head!

I recently wrote about lists and what they could say about our mental health. I started to brush upon the topic of self awareness, but I scrapped it so the blog wouldn't ramble.

I got fired up about it again when I saw Jonah Lehrer (02/05/09) on The Colbert Report. He talked about humans and decision making. He said, "The emotional brain generates gut instincts and intuition. The rational brain deals with facts. Humans tend to filter the world to confirm what they already believe. It's nice to have your preconvceived notions confirmed BUT it's important to be aware of those flaws so you can counteract them. It takes real work to control the elephants inside your head."

Mr. Lehrer talked specifically about the pilot who recently landed that flight in the Hudson - how he had to overcome his gut instincts and fear and let his training produce a deliberate, rational [and more safe] decision. He discusses, "metacognition (thinking about thinking) to see if you're thinking the right way and adjust your thought process."


I am the sort of person who doesn't like the idea of my habits being the boss of me. I will intentionally quit drinking Diet Coke for long periods just to make sure I am still in charge. I try to mix up my routines to make sure I can still cope without the comfort of my creature comforts. I thrive on structure and organization but I force myself to wing it sometimes. I do this to delay or counteract the inevitable, which for me is becoming my Nana who is so O/C that she has to check the lock 7 times with her left hand and 7 times with her right hand just to be able to leave the house.

My husband is a constant litmus test for my self-awareness. He is the most random thinker you ever met. He often bounces from task to task, never fully finishing any of it until he is good and damn ready to! When we started dating, I had a very serious management job with a very large company. I was the classic definition of a type A, over-achiever, control freak. Justin taught me how to drink beer and float down the river on an inner tube on a Sunday afternoon even if my work wasn't done, and honestly, that down time made me even more effective on the job. He taught me how to relax and enjoy the fruits of all my labor. To this day, I know this has everything to do with why I married him.

The year he decided to become a realtor, I worried constantly that he didn't have the self-discipline for it. A year later, when he decided to become a contractor, I stayed in a frenzy with nightmares of living in a half finished house our whole lives. Justin can be explained like this: He has the money, but forgets to pay the bills. I couldn't trust the floor I was standing on until I saw that his methods have a madness that work, FOR HIM. He's built a very nice business, and his customers (not surprisingly) love him and his solid work. As his back office, I can't stand him (where business is concerned). Our differences still seperate us, but I have learned to TRY a different way of thinking - and I think it has saved our relationship more than once.

Self awareness can be hard, but nothing worth having comes easily. I think self awareness is like a locked door that you are holding the key to. The only thing standing in the way of opening the door is your will to turn the key.

It's like packing your kitchen when you move. It looks really scary because there is a ton of shit to sort through, but it's all familiar shit and you know exactly which items to put in the garage sale pile and which items you should keep.

When we go on vacation, I always spend the prior week a bit hysterical - freaking out, making lists, doing mass amounts of deep cleaning, laundry, paying bills and running errands as if I were preparing to leave the country for 3 months. It's just my method! While not totally pleasant, I always know it's coming so I indulge a bit and plan for the craziness every time. I try to use it for good instead of evil.

My self awareness is in knowing that I get this way because I won't truly relax while I'm on vacation if I know there are rotting dishes in the dishwasher and I'll obsess about that damp towel molding in the hamper. It's my way of making sure the vacation succeeds. I know I'm going too far when I start trying to give away food that will still be perfectly good by the time we get back. When that Jessee arrives, I have a little talk with her about chilling the fuck out! "Put the stick of butter back in the fridge! Be the change you want to see!" And it works.






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Did you just call me a statistic?!

In a previous post , I told you my adult life/work history story and in it, I mused the fact that I am a statistic in that I earn less now that I have children. I dislike it. I don't "feel" like a statistic. I've never given a shit what the Jones' are doing or even what the Jones' think of what I am doing. I'm more inclined to do the opposite of what my peers are doing. So I don't readily cop to it, but if only coincidentally - it's true, I am a statistic. Ugg!

I referenced "experts" who say things and here is a succinct quote from Penelope Trunk (http://www.blog.penelopetrunk.com/), CEO of Brazen Careerist who I follow and normally agree with:

She said in her most recent blog:
"There is no gender disparity. Women earn more money than men in their 20s and when they have kids, women choose to downscale and men don't, so why don't we all shut up about the pay disparity and talk about the parenting disparity?"

Oh Goody! Can we? Can we please talk about the parenting disparity?!

Call me a statistic all you want, I know the truth.

There was a time, before I actually carried my first child and gave birth, that we seriously considered Justin being the stay at home parent. Either way, we wanted one of us mostly home with the kids and I'm eternally grateful to family (specifically my mom) for always filling in the gaps and giving us this time with our kids. You never get these 0 to 5 years back. You can't do that when they're 15, once you finally find time. But....

There was a verifiable shift in my household when I went from earning big and being gone alot to being home more, earning less, and letting my husband provide. Yes, I said "letting my husband provide", and before you tear me down for being a femi-nazi, I say it that way for a few reasons: 1. Right about the time that I started taking it slower, he began earning very decent money in his self-made business, and 2) I had to talk myself down from the career ledge a more than few times and I still have to give myself permission to slow down and focus on home.

When I started to allow myself permission to be home, I did relax somewhat but I also I felt less power in the household. Justin never made me feel that way, I made myself feel that way. I felt less important, I felt expendable, I even felt less attractive (that was F'ed!). I was the one who lost sleep to be up with kids in the middle of the night. I was the default parent 24/7, even when Justin was home. It would never occur to him to breeze right out into the garage and spend an hour just screwing around, assuming I had the kids covered. I felt like I could never get a break. I felt dumped on at every turn with never a thank you. I ran errands and made lunch and wiped asses.

I know, waah! waah! waah! I also became my husband's back office (a part time job in itself) along with working a minimum of 20 hours a week at my own job. Basically, you feel like you shouldn't complain or expect help or respite from the children and household if you're being afforded the luxury of being able to be home, even on a part-time basis. Maybe my problem is that taking care of home, children and husband can be a busy (if not intense) full time job of it's own and then I added two part time jobs on top of it.

I always say, it's not hard work to be at home, but it is emotionally more work than having a career. This is because the work is mind-numbingly dull yet constant. Nothing defines you. Oh, they'll tell you that your children's good manners are a real testament to your hard work, but seriously?! Nobody pats you on the head for finishing the laundry and keeping the dishes clean. You break your day into 30 minute segments and you build your schedule around naps and meals, and you never truly get anything thoroughly finished. It's much more intense to have a full time career but there are peaks and valleys there. You usually get evenings and weeekends off, vacation weeks, and down time at holidays. And that down time gives you the energy and perspective you need to be a productive, meaningful contributor when you are at work. As your primary employer, Parenting does not give a shit what day of the week it is, when it's time to projectile vomit in the car - it's time. No matter that your last trip to Mexico was over 5 years ago.

I am a worker, I long for the challenge and the meaning it brings to parts of me that I rely on alot. Sure, my kids bring me more joy than I ever imagined and I've never loved so deeply - but I (me), I get something out of working that I will never get at home. I will have difficulty retiring.
But Penelope made me feel better about being a "statistic". A while back she finished a scathing blog (What women can do when they're young to be happy later on) with this sentence:
"But then, that's the trouble with all research—when it suggests a change you weren't already excited about, you decide that it doesn't apply to you. And I'm no exception."

Hells Yeah!





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