Buster Peach

Thanks Lowest Common Denominator!

2009-12-16T21:43:00.002-05:00

Dear Maclaren,

I wanted to compliment you on how easy it was to request the hinge cover kits and how quickly they arrived. I am the proud owner of TWO Maclarens and I ADORE them both. Personally, I think I should work in your marketing department because I am already doing the work.

Children can be injured with the very same kid-safe spoon that they eat lunch with when parents aren't watching them. This hinge/finger issue is the same sort of issue - a no brainer! Move your child out of the way when you open and close the stroller!

I find it abhorrent that companies like yours and the manufacturers of blinds/roman shades with pull cords are under scrutiny right now because people are too lazy or don't care enough to be attentive to their own children.

Unfortunately, these parents cause us to all be treated to the lowest common denominator. It frustrates me to no end because even as astute parents, we are not spared the mandatory lectures or regimens at the doctors office, installing carseats, at school, etc. I suppose theey can no longer risk delineating between a parent who has some common sense and those who do not.

I just wanted you to know you're doing a great job! Keep up the good work!

Warsh your arse!

2009-03-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

The ladies rooms' (yes, plural, as in all 5 of them) at my new office ALL STINK. Not like poop, which unbelievably, I'd prefer. They smell like steamy, greasy lady-parts that haven't made contact with soap or water in a very long time. DIIIRTY! And the air in there is always warm and humid - intensifying the rotten smell. And the water at the taps is ICE cold all the time. It's an awful, unclean place. On the upside, the soap dispenser, water faucet, and paper towel dispensers are all hands-free, but even after I wash my hands, I'm sure to use one of the various, also hands-free hand sanitizer dispensers on the way back to my workspace.

Sick.

O

Custom Interior by Power Rangers - NOT CUTE!

2009-03-02T20:07:00.007-05:00

What is this new trend sweeping the country? Or maybe it's widespread poor parenting? Why on earth are Moms and Dads letting their children sticker up the inside windows of their cars?!??

Green hair? Sure! Dye it! It will grow out!
Wear plaid with polka dots? Go for it!
Put your shoes on the wrong feet? I'll probably point out your error, but that is all you, kiddo.
Chew on your shirtsleeve until it's wet up to the armpit? Whatever, just not on picture day!
Pick your nose? That's gross, use a tissue! And don't you dare eat it!
Wear a banana sticker on your forehead? Awesome! I like it!

Sticker up the inside window of my $40,000 car? Just imagining it, I have to count to 10 and breathe carefully just to keep from screaming.

I think it's yet another over-indulgence that some parents go too far with these days. How can you teach your child to respect other people's property, if they can't respect yours? A car of all things? And don't cry to me about "fostering your child's creativity", and "not wanting to stifle" them by saying "no" too often. THIS is not at all about that - but that line is SO blurred these days...

Yeah, yeah... I know. A razor blade will take them right off but the principal of it is still so wrong!

I would have lost an arm (or at least a finger) AND I would have lost the privilege of ever even looking at another sticker until I was of legal voting age. I'm sure there would have been a healthy dose of "What are you? An idiot?" shame thrown in there too!

Get a grip!

O

Evolution

2009-02-23T22:02:00.005-05:00

The whole reason I started blogging was because of two or three blogs I frequently read (check out my "Also good for your head..." section). I feel corny saying these bloggers inspire me but that is the truth. I usually follow a blog if:

1. ..it makes me laugh
2. ..it makes me think
3. ..it makes me mad
4. ..it makes me reason out exactly why I disagree with it
5. ..it teaches me something
6. ..it makes me nod vehemently at the computer screen in utter agreement

The # 1 indicator of how moved I am by a blog is my tendency to comment on it.

The Pongo Blog is my favorite one to comment on, and that may be a reflection of the year I've had leading up to today (being my first day of a new job that I feel hopeful about). Despite attaining gainful employment, I will now always follow Pongo's blog, like a dear old friend.

I continue to follow bloggers that I often disagree with because of their amazing ability to open my mind with their smart and insightful writing. I'm struck by how much those bloggers make me fully understand my own opinions.

Penelope Trunk is definitely one of the best out there. Her recent post 5 Emerging trends from the recession is a reminder of why I follow her.

Previously, I had only blogged informally on MySpace or Facebook so it meant something entirely new to be setting up a standalone blog here on Blogspot. Somehow, it's more out there than MySpace or Facebook, but not by much.

Before Georgia turned one, if you told me I would soon find time to blog I would have shredded your face with my sharp, exposed nerves. "Blog? HA! I can hardly find time to poop most days! Blog, sure! Hmphft!"

When I started, I wasn't sure I would write enough or like enough of what I wrote. I didn't tell friends and family about it, other than a key few. I wanted people who don't love me (strangers) be the ones to comment on and weigh in on what I was saying. I approached blogspot as a testing ground. It has helped me determine that I can and do blog regularly.

I'm not sure where I will go with this but I am really enjoying the journey. I don't want to be a mommy blogger but I sure do blog about parenthood. I don't want to be a professional development blogger, but I have spent plenty of words on my work life. I am not sure what my blogging identity is yet, and I don't feel any real pressure to define it.

What are your favorite blogs and why?

0

Heartbreaker...

2009-02-18T10:08:00.002-05:00

Wil's cousin Daniel is 10 years old and Wil thinks he is the GREATEST thing ever.

When we're all together, Wil is always trying to engage Daniel and impress him. Daniel is right at that age when being cool to a 3 year old is SO NOT cool, and you can see the internal struggle on his face. Wil is so sweet and pure and so far from jaded in his thinking that he fully expects his big cousin to think his green stegosaurus undies are completely exciting and fantastically cool when poor Daniel just wants to melt into the carpet for having seen a 3 year old's gear so unexpectedly.

Thankfully, Wil doesn't have the complex social skills of knowing to be embarassed when he doesn't get the reaction he expected. He just moves on. My heart breaks everytime knowing the day is coming where he will "get it" and feel small about it. I guess that is part of how we learn to be appropriate. This is one of those lessons I can't foster myself and it has to play itself out for Wil to really know.

My plan is to bring up a unique kid and to teach him to always feel cool, no matter what anyone else thinks! That sort of confidence convinces others - we've all seen it. We all know somebody like this. That poster in the counsellor's office at your Junior High, "Dare to be different! Dare to be yourself!", it really works for some kids and I want to teach that as much as I'm able to.

What breaks your heart for your children?

O

How to amuse me...

2009-02-16T23:21:00.007-05:00

Justin was asking me about the health of his skin the other day. I think he's been experimenting with eye creams, sssh! His skin HAS changed drastically in the last 5 years, as expected, when he's spent 12 hours per day, 6 days a week outdoors in the blistering sun or wretched cold. I pester him constantly about moisturizer and SPF. To be compelling, this time I brought up Dog The Bounty Hunter. While I love Dog (and especially Leland), he occasionally sports the look of a Shar Pei.

Justin was quiet for about 15 seconds...

Then he wondered aloud if Dog had a place at the top of his dresser where he stores his roach-clip leather strap beaded/feathered hair inserts. He wondered if Dog clips them onto something the way a woman would hang necklaces from a jewelry tree. Then he wondered if Dog had maybe been to a flea market and possibly spotted some unearthly contraption that he could use for storing said roach-clip accessories. Then he wondered who makes the roach-clip accessories and how the feathers actually stay attached during all that action. Do you think it's glue? twine? metal wire? I mean, how do the feathers not get lost? Do you think he has to go home and repair them from time to time? Then he talked about door-to-door Kirby vacuum salesmen.

I couldn't breathe for the laughing.

O

You too can control the elephants in your head!

2009-02-12T11:15:00.000-05:00

I recently wrote about lists and what they could say about our mental health. I started to brush upon the topic of self awareness, but I scrapped it so the blog wouldn't ramble.

I got fired up about it again when I saw Jonah Lehrer (02/05/09) on The Colbert Report. He talked about humans and decision making. He said, "The emotional brain generates gut instincts and intuition. The rational brain deals with facts. Humans tend to filter the world to confirm what they already believe. It's nice to have your preconvceived notions confirmed BUT it's important to be aware of those flaws so you can counteract them. It takes real work to control the elephants inside your head."

Mr. Lehrer talked specifically about the pilot who recently landed that flight in the Hudson - how he had to overcome his gut instincts and fear and let his training produce a deliberate, rational [and more safe] decision. He discusses, "metacognition (thinking about thinking) to see if you're thinking the right way and adjust your thought process."

I am the sort of person who doesn't like the idea of my habits being the boss of me. I will intentionally quit drinking Diet Coke for long periods just to make sure I am still in charge. I try to mix up my routines to make sure I can still cope without the comfort of my creature comforts. I thrive on structure and organization but I force myself to wing it sometimes. I do this to delay or counteract the inevitable, which for me is becoming my Nana who is so O/C that she has to check the lock 7 times with her left hand and 7 times with her right hand just to be able to leave the house.

My husband is a constant litmus test for my self-awareness. He is the most random thinker you ever met. He often bounces from task to task, never fully finishing any of it until he is good and damn ready to! When we started dating, I had a very serious management job with a very large company. I was the classic definition of a type A, over-achiever, control freak. Justin taught me how to drink beer and float down the river on an inner tube on a Sunday afternoon even if my work wasn't done, and honestly, that down time made me even more effective on the job. He taught me how to relax and enjoy the fruits of all my labor. To this day, I know this has everything to do with why I married him.

The year he decided to become a realtor, I worried constantly that he didn't have the self-discipline for it. A year later, when he decided to become a contractor, I stayed in a frenzy with nightmares of living in a half finished house our whole lives. Justin can be explained like this: He has the money, but forgets to pay the bills. I couldn't trust the floor I was standing on until I saw that his methods have a madness that work, FOR HIM. He's built a very nice business, and his customers (not surprisingly) love him and his solid work. As his back office, I can't stand him (where business is concerned). Our differences still seperate us, but I have learned to TRY a different way of thinking - and I think it has saved our relationship more than once.

Self awareness can be hard, but nothing worth having comes easily. I think self awareness is like a locked door that you are holding the key to. The only thing standing in the way of opening the door is your will to turn the key.

It's like packing your kitchen when you move. It looks really scary because there is a ton of shit to sort through, but it's all familiar shit and you know exactly which items to put in the garage sale pile and which items you should keep.

When we go on vacation, I always spend the prior week a bit hysterical - freaking out, making lists, doing mass amounts of deep cleaning, laundry, paying bills and running errands as if I were preparing to leave the country for 3 months. It's just my method! While not totally pleasant, I always know it's coming so I indulge a bit and plan for the craziness every time. I try to use it for good instead of evil.

My self awareness is in knowing that I get this way because I won't truly relax while I'm on vacation if I know there are rotting dishes in the dishwasher and I'll obsess about that damp towel molding in the hamper. It's my way of making sure the vacation succeeds. I know I'm going too far when I start trying to give away food that will still be perfectly good by the time we get back. When that Jessee arrives, I have a little talk with her about chilling the fuck out! "Put the stick of butter back in the fridge! Be the change you want to see!" And it works.

O

My Acid-Washed thoughts

2009-02-11T14:47:00.004-05:00

I am NO beacon of fashion, not by any stretch. I am known for my campy, outdoorsy style of dress. You could dress me straight out of the REI store or Sierra Trading Post catalog most days. Khakis or jeans, plain white t-shirts/sweaters, layered with some Royal Robbins vest or a hoodie, finished with some super-hip Keen shoes. The most I do is make an attempt to keep the cut and style of my boring clothes updated, as in, my jeans and khakis are low rise/boot cut with the right wash. That said, here goes...

It is my belief that denim has a very limited place in sane society. I am always horrified when I see denim things other than jeans or jackets. Purses, scrunchies (which denim or not should be outlawed, sorry Berger!), shoes, baby bags, vests, couches, throw pillows, duvet covers, etc.

Oh, and baby denim is a whole other issue. I think baby denim is some of the worst denim. If your baby can't wear jeans that are modeled after the current style of adult jeans yet, just hold off. Cutesy or novelty denim is neither CUTE nor NOVEL.

Occasionally, denim jackets can be questionable. They never top off a pair of jeans. Khakis? Sure. Corduroys? Why not! Madras plaid shorts? Go for it! More denim? NEVER! Denims almost never match each other, and should not be forced together. It is impossible to match denims unless it's an actual outfit, sold as a unit. Matchy-matchy denim is even more concerning, unless you're J.Lo and you can actually pull it off - but I still doubt it. And, let's be honest, even J.Lo hasn't done that since she was dating Puffy.

So, ease up on the denim, and if you really feel fondly about the item in all its bedazzled glory, hold onto it for when your BFF throws a kitschy "white-trash" party. Hey, don't kill the messenger, I'm just trying to save the fashion police a trip to your home or place of employ.

Oh! And since you've read this far, you should be rewarded with a free fashion tip: Your shoes and handbag should generally NOT match! That classic fashion move will probably make a permanent comeback someday, but for now, it screams that you're a little fashion backward. Even I know this!

We all have some embarrassing, prized denim item, let's hear about it! I'll go first: My item is a pair of Guess overalls that I still hope will come back into style so I keep them in my attic.

O

Insane much? Consult your to do list!

2009-02-10T00:33:00.000-05:00

Terri has referenced LISTS in more than one comment on this blog. I'm not sure she noticed herself doing that but it got me thinking. I use lists for comfort, decision making, organization - whatever, it's kind of how I run my life. So, I thought I would blog about it.

As great as lists are, there is a very dangerous edge to them. I manage pretty well, but my Mom, OH GOD! And that is what I could potentially become. At my age, my Mom used lists in all the good, productive ways. She was a master-lister! If I didn't inherit the list trait biologically, I learned it from her. I hope I continue to learn from her, but this time - I want to learn what NOT to do.

Mom and lists have a co-dependent relationship. I've busted her making lists on fast food bags, napkins, torn envelopes from incoming mail, notebook paper with peanut butter stains. She makes lists of lists she needs to condense or re-write. She keeps the most recent lists in a pile on her kitchen table, where she sits most of the day. She will make a list and then start a new list just by changing the direction of the paper, that is she'll start writing kitty-corner. All of that concerns me, but what really freaks me out is the nature of the items she sometimes puts on her lists. It can be entirely indicative of what kind of emotional health she is in at any given moment. Things like: "Do laundry" or "Feed dog". I know, RIGHT!!!

She CAN consciously tell you that it seems insane not to just feed the dog, but rather to put it on a list for herself. Note to reader: The dog's food and bowl are not 4 steps from the kitchen table where she is writing the list. She CANNOT consciously tell you why she adds it to the list rather than just do it. And, I often ask her if when she cleans the bathroom or does the laundry, does she track down that tattered list and cross that item off to enjoy the satisfaction of being closer to the goal of finishing the list! The answer is no, she doesn't because she is not using lists in a healthy way, not using lists to attain goals. She is using lists under the pretense of clearing the clutter in her brain - but it's backfiring in the most mentally ill way. She knows it and still cannot help herself.

She tries to hide the pile when I come in unannounced - it's a little game of ours, but I always feel like I'm shaming her. Not a nice feeling. I've attempted to give her a "system" or help her get back to her own "system", the one that used to keep her life running well too - but nothing sticks anymore. Kinda scary...especially when you consider that my mom personally coined the (oh-god-I-can't-believe-I'm-telling-you-this) phrase: J-F-D-I! A sick twist on Nike's "Just Do It" campaign! I'm sure you can guess what the F was for! I shit you not, this phrase is an actual member of the family.

I can see writing what seems like a task you wouldn't be able to overlook (like Laundry) on a calendar, as in: Monday is "Laundry day" or Tuesday is "Grocery day" but how effective is a list of day-to-day chores? Pretty much, if you don't have the self awareness to regularly notice and respond to the fact that you're running low on skivvies - you need SO much more than a list!

I think people in my family have that perfection disease like that lady on Oprah - you let your life/house get trashed because if you can't do something perfectly - Fuck it, why bother! I totally identify with that line of thinking - but as a responsible human, you need to avoid pits like this by consciously managing yourself. Call it positive thinking or whatever blows your hair back, but really... when you feel yourself approaching the cusp of this vortex of list writing or paralyzing perfection, DO SOMETHING different with the energy that is pushing you in that direction. It's a perfect example of a time when NO DECISION is the WORST DECISION.

So make lists, but make lists that make sense and that make your life easier, not more complex and unclear.

What are your lists like?

If only it were only money!

2009-02-09T13:22:00.001-05:00

Blogs and articles like this one (be sure to read the comments as well as the blog itself) TERRIFY me even more than I already am scared of this recession. I was laid off January 2nd and my husband is a contractor/realtor so our shit hit the fan a while ago.

Amazingly - we are making it. Also amazing, we are not killing each other or the children despite the fact that two workaholics have never had so much time at home on their hands. As scared as I am, we do our level best to enjoy this weird downtime.

I AM that girl who is UNABASHEDLY stalking recruiters and hiring managers who give me their business card at the close of the interview that I just dumbed myself down for. AARGH! At least that article let's me know they understand.

I am in this horrible kind of donut hole and as evidenced by the recent growth in the size of my ass, I'm apparently trying to eat a tunnel through the donut that is trapping me. There are no jobs in my field or at my level in my area. I am far too qualified for the few openings that are out there. Oh, I get interviews and I nail them, but it feels sorta crappy to under-sell myself, to scratch and claw for a job I can't afford to take. Employers in my area are laying off en masse and the few available jobs will be absorbed soon.

With acquisition and new hire training costs per employee starting around $25,000, I don't entirely blame these employers who have statistical data compelling them to doubt my commitment.

So, I'm panicked alot lately and I calm myself by saying "It's only money - I can live in a soup can and eat cardboard as long as I have my family and my health." I firmly believe this. It's not some mantra that I aspire to. It's at the core of me. I KNOW THIS IS TRUE but...

The problem with this sentiment is that I cannot surrender today and just go back to zero. If we could sell our house or car and not be upside down - we'd do it tomorrow, no TODAY! If we could press a button and be in a shitty but affordable rental with everything in our lives scaled down to what is appropriate for our "present budget", I'd be grateful, relieved, and happy to be there. I would not feel one bit resentful. No part of me is afraid of rebuilding, of working hard to get back up there. But it doesn't work like that does it? What I do fear is working so hard and losing it all despite that. So sure, it's only money but how do I give it back? I can't, so I strive to make every day work fighting the one idea that will save me... It's only money...

So, in an effort to spread positivity rather than just war stories, what are you doing in this economy to keep things positive?

0

Suck on this RED PEN, helicopter parents!

2009-02-07T14:47:00.009-05:00

My sister's recent blog post involving bedroom performance ratings mixed with parenting (I don't know how she can crossover like that, but she does!) made me want to write about the old adage and the newest spin on it: Spare the rod, spoil the child?! It makes me a little sick.

While I may not endorse the rod, I think there is an effective way to parent firmly, with love and boundaries, rules, and expectations that prepare them for the world!

As a parent I think we must use RED INK and quantitative grading. We must be disappointed and be mad at our children when appropriate. Let them discover the feeling of losing and NOT getting a trophy anyway. They SHOULD develop a taste for vegetables and healthy, whole foods as babies because it will likely follow them their whole life. You CANNOT let them eat whatever they want and expect or assume they will "outgrow" it later.

All of these modern "positive" parenting tenets (helicopter parenting) are COMPLETE HORSESHIT! These parents scare the shit out of me! They say, "Oh, what about his feelings? I hate to see him cry when he doesn't seem to understand the punishment!". Oh, dumb, dumb parent: Believe me, he understands it - and if not by name, by feel. If he fails to understand it, it's your fault because you haven't given him the chance to. You're so afraid of how he'll "feel" that you're skipping over the lesson to be learned!

I cannot believe how unprepared for the real world young adults are these days and parents are creating this problem. Cut the apron strings!! If children cannot delineate between success and failure, or take a bad situation and make it a winning outcome - how will they even get to the point where they should have kids themselves?

I saw this mission statement in a high school on Friday night, it went something like: "Empowering students through education to become productive, responsible members of society." It made me wonder what their specific methods are, because I sure do like the sound of that but what I see them churning out these days is not THAT! I have a sister about to graduate high school and have been involved with her soccer seasons. I recently worked with plenty of the <24 age group, and it's consistent.

We have a huge responsibility to our children and sheltering them is to essentially retard them. Shock, loss, bad grades, a tough boss - all REAL things in the world. The sooner they learn to COPE with that and OVERCOME it, the sooner they will succeed in life.

Our job is to teach them to COPE and OVERCOME, not protect or shield them from all negative impacts in life. OH I GET SO HOT ABOUT THIS...

And it begs the question: Where are these parents? Who are they? Everyone I know who is having kids, or even not having kids believes in reality parenting, preparation for the real world. Generational experts say much of this will change when these kids become parents, that parents often parent in ways that are contradictory to the way they were raised. I say,
let's hope!

0

Mamma's, let's talk...

2009-01-28T22:02:00.003-05:00

Please know, I thought long and hard about how to bring this up without being cruel or unfair. We all have our personal tastes and styles and I'm a proponent of live and let live, until you and your behaviorally challenged children annoy me in the grocery store, aisle after aisle. So, if you don't like this post, chaulk it up to you and I agreeing to disagree. Sorry in advance for any offense that may occur.

Names like Nevaeh, Destiny, and Kiearah, and Brianna, Braden, Tyler, Taylor, Caden, Connor, Preston, Paxton, Peyton, and Jayden - are beyond trendy but they're horrible names on top of that.

Some of the problem is the way they are prounounced...
"BREEEEEAAAAAHHHHNNNAAA!" in a nasally whine...
OH GOD! SCRATCH MY EYES OUT!

I grew up with a fairly traditional but at the time very trendy name (Jessica) and it drove me nuts. By the time I was in 4th grade there were about 30 Jessica's in my elementary school. The rest were named Jennifer, Lisa, Michelle or Amy. All of us hated it! To add insult to injury - we all had the same two middle names: Marie or Ann.

I know that not everyone wants a traditional name, or they're going for something unique but lift your head out of the sand. These names are so overused right now - Are you intentionally naming your kids after Britney's?

I do have a list of names that I find fundamentally acceptable, and in some cases I really like them, but I cannot believe the amount of overuse they get right now:

Addison

Grace

Lily

Emma

Emily

Hannah

Rose - more as a middle name

Olivia

Ava

Reece (girl or boy)

Savannah

Tristan

Connor

Brody

Brady

Abby

Violet

Jack and Jackson and Jaxon and Jax'n

Maggie

Madison

Tyler

Taylor

And you thankfully never hear these anymore - I can't imagine naming a little baby any of these names, even knowing they won't be a baby forever.

Judy

Ruth

Barbara

Linda

Carol

Ethel

Gladys

Harold

Cathy (Not Catherine, Cathleen, etc. - just Cathy)

Alice

Nancy

Willard

Fred

Clarence

Lawrence, and any form of it

Walter

Albert

Arthur

My advice on avoiding ridicule or regret while naming your child:
1. Open the baby names book and really read it!

2. Research your family lineage and find something solid and timeless, even unusual.

3. Consider how the child will feel about the name at age 15, 20, 25, and 40!
and

4. When you hear a name you love while pregnant, buy it off the person who is "claiming" it. I bartered with a bad-ass NorthFace jacket for my daughter's name AND now my sister feels like she had a huge part in naming her - Win/Win!

I really like the name Harriet (sort of old school but cute and unusual) but I could not name a girl Harriet Hatcher! I also really liked Piper with middle name Jane - I mostly liked that it would become nickname initials of PJ like my sister BJ (for Bonnie Jean) but I am grateful we didn't use that. I loved Jack Robert (JR for short) but I wouldn't have been able to stomach how many Jax, Jack, Jackson, Jaxons there are now.

Do you think anyone is going to take President Nevaeh or President Jayden seriously in about 40 years?

So, tell me your baby names and why you chose them....
Also, since I've opened this can of worms, it's only fair to let you openly criticize my children's names. In case you haven't caught them in previous posts, they are first and middle:

William Anderson
Georgia Cate

O

MY kind of motivational speaker!

2009-01-28T21:44:00.005-05:00

"Life is short! Enjoy it while you got it! Can't be gottdamn ungrateful all the time!"

Katt Williams opened his latest comedy set, "It's Pimpin' Pimpin'!", recorded in May 2008 in Washington D. C. with that quote. I want to steal that rhyme and shout it to the world, and specifically tattoo it on the inner eyelids of a few people I know. That quote is the perfect set-up for the following show.

I make a point to tune in for all his shows because I think he is relevant, incredibly funny, insightful, and fantastically secure and confident for having such an odd stature and a fucked up head of hair.

His motto for this latest show is "You gotta take care of your star playa" (meaning yourself) and his point was the obvious "If you don't take care of yourself, who will?" but moreover, his point was "...what good can you do in the world or for others if you can't take care of your own sorry ass..." I love how he preaches about self-esteem and fairness (including race and crime and being famous and being poor/underprivileged). He preaches not to sweat the haters because the hater is the joke. He preaches to just fucking get over shit and move on in life.
His outlook is always positive, and that is my kind of talk.

He is not afraid to be corny. He is terribly mouthy but so humble, peaceful, and just fucking cool. I would love it if someone thought all of that about me. Is it weird that I aspire to be like Katt Williams, sans gun toting charges? Ok, maybe a mixture of Katt Williams and Bill Cosby. Why do I want to be a middle aged black man?

It's good to be here.

2009-01-23T19:12:00.003-05:00

I am glad...

...the unusual freeze is over and normal Tennessee winter weather is back.

...to have a toddler/pre-schooler free weekend.

...to have had a few responses on jobs I'm pursuing.

...I'm having a FREE facial tomorrow.

...I have a warm house, nourishing food, and healthy, mad-funny children.

...to have a sweet new baby nephew and another sweet not-so-newborn baby nephew.

...to have mapped out a diverse 5k running trail!

...to spend this evening with my friends.

...have a sister I love and miss so much.

...the sister I love and miss so much is so in love with a guy who is so in love with her.

...to have goals and aspirations!

...to let Wil think he's eating a "teeny, tiny s'getti sandwich" if he so pleases.

...to be the person Justin misses and looks forward to coming home to.

...to have such a kick-ass public library.

...to have a trip to Mexico on the distant horizon.

...to be here, breathing in and out, everday.

O

Superpowers

2009-01-20T22:41:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, I can just look at someone and KNOW their breath is awful.

O

Three mortifying days with a three year old heathen!

2009-01-19T21:44:00.004-05:00

He is too smart for his own damn good. Wil has said/done the following things over the past three days. I always thought when I heard similar stories that someone had coached the child into the precocious thing he said or did but I know otherwise now.

On Saturday we were hanging out with my Grandparents, letting them spend time with the kids since we only see them a few times a year. My dad (Wil calls him Papa) was laying on the floor playing airplane with both kids. Wil was standing with his back to Papa playing with something on the table and Papa kept nipping Wil in the butt. Wil said "Stop it, Papa!" and my dad played coy, "What? I didn't do anything..." and Wil turned to keep playing. Papa did it again and played coy again - and Wil said "You're poking me in the ASS!" The killer was that he did not say it in a fresh mouth way, he was just using a word. He was annoyed with Papa, had no idea he even said a bad word! My jaw dropped and I stared at my grandmother who sorta laughed. Only in front of the Great Grandparents, right?!

On Sunday I was peeing while Wil was running around upstairs and he caught a glimpse of me finishing up on the pot. He said, "Mumma, do you pee out your butt?" I was honest but clinical as I explained that girls have vaginas and boys have penises. I verbally ran through an explanation where I matched his equipment up with Justin and Georgia's up with mine to give him a concept of the differences between boys and girls. He said "No, Mumma! Georgia has a penis too!"

On Monday Wil, Georgia and I were having breakfast (amazing scratch pancakes by Josh Jones) with Josh and Beej. We were seated around the dining room table in our pajamas and just chatting away. It was the one time during our visit to Nashville that Beej wasn't visible only from the eyes up (behind her laptop) and I wasn't chasing a wild ass kid around the house like a maniac - the first real quality time we'd all spent together. Wil stands up in his chair and says "Hey Uncle Josh, I have a big penis! See?" and pulls his thermal pants down and thrusts his hips forward. OH MY GOD!

How does Wil at age 3 even know that "big" is a preferred term with penis? Nobody talks to him about that stuff? He doesn't watch that kind of TV?

Beej LOST HER SHIT and laughed so hard she was snorting and hooting and heaving and crying. I snatched Wil up and took him into the bathroom, sat him down, and looked him in the eyes (trying so hard not to smile or laugh) and said "That was totally inappropriate behavior! You cannot show people your Penis at the breakfast table or anywhere else! It's private! You cannot do that..." and blah, blah, blah. He didn't miss a beat... He said "But Auntie BJ is laughing..." as if that made it okay. Hell, I was laughing! It was an impossible situation. Before we left the bathroom, I made him wash his hands.

O

Suck it, Angelina Jolie!

2009-01-17T23:47:00.001-05:00

I am disgusted by the elitism of Hollywood!

First of all, I wasn't even sure I believed that David Duchovny was ACTUALLY suffering from sex addiction when it made headlines that he checked into rehab last summer. I suspected it was a marketing strategy for Californication as opposed to a being side-affect of starring in that show. I was quite sure that in about 20 years he would reveal this little secret as being PR rather than a genuine personal problem. Why else would Tea Leone stand by, steadfast?

Secondly, what the fuck do I care what he does in his personal life? I sort of hate how the rehab affairs of celebrities are so public. It's literally the equivalent of rubber necking so you can see the gory details of a horrible car crash and then complaining how awful it was to see. That is a human life! He is a human being! It's rather indecent that there is a demand for this type of news, but clearly there is profit in this genre of information.

Third, who the F is Hollywood to snub him at the recent Golden Globe awards and look down on him "sadly"? It makes me like him or want to root for him even more!

Screw you Hollywood! All of you a-holes just need to jump on the indignant bandwagon already and quit acting! It's not as if any of you are saving the world either! Oh sorry! Except for you, Angelina! I forgot that you are Mother Theresa for the millenium. Please note, reader, I am being SO sarcastic, I can't stand Angelina - somebody needs to tell her that you can't buy grace, or dignity, not even in a third-world country.

O

Waiting in the bushes with my camera...

2009-01-16T17:05:00.007-05:00

Justin is forever stealing lip balm from me. I normally use Burt's Bees or Neutrogena. I buy them in bulk because I am fairly addicted. It's a state of emergency if I can't get my hands on a stick. My lips start emitting actual flames and peeling in layers. I get coconuts about it even if I just applied some 5 minutes ago. To avoid this mess, I always keep a few tubes stashed in my purse and at least four others in various strategic areas of my house/desk/car.

Every Christmas, I get Justin a few of his own masculine tubes from Bath and Body Works and I warn him that at $7.50 per tube he better keep up with them like he does his wallet/cell phone, but he never does. Throughout the year, I buy him Carmex or some dude version of Blistex to keep him in stock. These lip balms are left untouched, on his dresser until they roll off the dresser into the worm hole underneath it. When we move, I expect to find a stash that I can re-gift in his Christmas stocking for years to come. It's something psychological... It's the same thing as Georgia preferring the food on my plate to the food on her plate even though it's the VERY SAME FUCKING FOOD!!

Invariably, I find MY precious tubes in odd places and when I uncap them to get a hit (upon sight of any lip balm, even in a movie, I immediately need some), the balm is mangled and mushy. It is actually dirty in the crease where the cap snaps on. It's as if he chewed on it for a minute, rubbed it on some sandpaper, and then rolled it through a dirty ashtray before leaving it for dead. I call them dead soldiers. IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF! It is wasteful and disgusting! Why are boys so damn gross!?

Burt's Bees makes a Shimmer Stick in some cute, very pale colors. I am resolving to use nothing but this brand/style because not only is it good stuff, and Justin will avoid it, but most especially because I KNOW the day will come when Justin's lips are burning off his face and he is so desperate for something that he'll use it! I'll be waiting in the bushes with my camera!

AHAHAHAHAAAAA!

O

Bad AND Funny Parenting...

2009-01-14T15:29:00.007-05:00

Since he turned 18 months old, Wil has been trying to give up his naps. We continued to push back and at least put him in his crib for quiet time if not actual sleep. Every month he got a little more wakeful and stubborn about not sleeping. On the days when I was lucky enough to trick him into sleep during naptime, he would lie in bed wide awake until 10 or 11pm, after being put to bed at 9pm.

I have to say that he normally sleeps a solid 12 hours at night, and doesn't wake until 8 or 8:30 am. Most of his classmates arrive at school by 7am, and many of them have been up for an hour at that point.

Contrary to popular belief in my family, I did NOT give up his naps easily. I tried everything! I really needed his naptime with a newborn baby around. I only finally gave it up once I realized I was spending a huge amount of my day (often 2 hours) fighting with a 2 year old who thought it was a very funny game to run out of his room, right into my waiting arms, only to have me put him right back in there - not matter how emotionless I tried to be. Often, he was more amped up from running and struggling with me after 30 minutes of naptime than he was when we went into his room. I blacked out his room in the most mortifying method: I taped a navy blue shower curtain liner to the glass of his windows, under a layer of plantation blinds which are covered by a double layer curtains. Oh, our neighbors totally love us for that one! I tried soothing stories, rocking him, and even lying down with him (although I firmly hated that one).

At times when I did get him to lie still in his bed, I would wait outside the door for labored breathing sounds and stillness. More than once I waited through complete stillness for 2 chapters of a book (at least 20 mins) and fully expected to celebrate my victory and when I'd peek in, DAMN if his eyes weren't open and now he saw me and the games begin again! I spent more time frustrated with Wil last summer than not, and the whole thing felt AWFUL.

Finally, I took the power away from him and stopped trying. If we didn't have a naptime to fight about, we could enjoy eachother more. I'm not sure he ever noticed it missing, other than both our moods improving. It also meant I put him to bed at least an hour earlier which was minor victory for me being a human being, not just a mom.

When he started pre-school I winced when I learned that by state law, the kids have to lie down (not necessarily sleep, but lie down) for a certain period each day. I figured he'd learn by watching the other kids. At first, he did okay but he slowly decended into no naps and playing the same games with his poor teachers. After many talks with the teachers, I was afraid he'd be asked to leave. One of the things the pre-school asked us to try was send notes in his lunchbox each day encouraging a nap. Justin and I take turns writing them, and sometimes I'll recruit Nana to do one just to keep it fresh for him.

Justin handed me the following note as I was packing Wil's lunchbox. I always feel a little intrusive if I read it, it seems private, but that is silly since the teachers have to read it to Wil. When I read it, I died laughing.

Clearly, it was a joke and Justin wrote another one for the lunchbox but we did post it on the refrigerator for amusement. Thankfully, Wil cannot read many words other than his name right now! I will put this is his baby book for his adult sense of humor!

PS: After the Christmas break, we started waking him up at 6 or 6:30am and putting him in our bed with the TV on PBS while we sleep for another hour or so. It works like a charm - he's totally taking naps at school now. SUCKER!

O

You think you know, but really you have no idea...

2009-01-12T12:34:00.000-05:00

My best friend Amy and I have decided. The Office simply cannot be as funny for people who do not work in an actual office. Sure, we all identify and it's sortof funny even if you don't work in an office.

When you do work in an actual office, it's a 100% effective show. You nearly jump out of your skin it's so funny. It's all in the understated nuances and details that they portray so perfectly. You're missing so much unless you know these cues from working in an office.

I wanna be cool, tall, vulnerable, and luscious...

2009-01-09T21:57:00.004-05:00

Kanye West's newest album 808s & Heartbreak is a crushing disappointment. It is SO reminiscent of the feelings I felt when taking in Liz Phair's 2005 album Somebody's Miracle.

I actually felt betrayed, maybe not by Liz or Kanye, but definitely by my senses. I felt my iPod's heart shudder with every new song during my initial listen. I always give an album from old faithfuls like these a fair number of passes before I really decide, but I think I already know.

In both cases, how do you put out consistently good and distinctively different albums for years on end, and then suddenly eek out a stubborn, cold, unyielding nugget of suck that no mother could love?

With Somebody's Miracle, I really, really tried to like it. I have LOVED every Liz Phair album prior to that and they all ranged in style - most distinctively 2003's self titled album where she got all shiny and mainstream. It was a bit Top40, but if you dismissed it for it's lack of indie integrity - you missed an amazing album, and seriously - get over yourself. We all have our fair share of embarrassing skeletons in our play lists (AHEM! Lionel Richie, anyone - Beej, anyone?!).

Incredibly, it took my local radio stations about a MONTH to realize she was saying FUCK in the song: "We haven't fucked yet but my head's spinning! Why can't I breathe..."

And hey, at least they're both brave enough to experiment. Most indie musicians or specialty artists could never sustainably bridge two markets (pop/country excluded but speaking of canned payola... oh never mind, I can feel the vomit rising).

Liz, you especially! I am still waiting for your recovery album. I have every confidence that it's coming, with others to follow. In your case, I think every blind squirrel finds a poison nut now and then. Let's hope...

Kanye, our relationship has less history than Liz and I. I find myself unconvinced but hopeful. I feel like you may deserve a pass after the freaky year you've had BUT... you remind me alot of a guy I know who continually uses every bad thing that happens to him as evidence that he is so much MORE of a tortured soul than anyone else on earth. His pain is worse than anyone else. His results are the highest anyone's ever seen. His outcomes are the most outrageous, it's indescribable. He cannot imagine that anyone can be as deep and as insightful as him. He imagines himself as being so isolated, so superior. HE IS EXHAUSTING. So, Kanye, go a little crazy, the year you've had warrants it - but then let it go OR move forward. Do not let this year further serve your sense of entitlement. You are not THAT talented, nobody is.

O

Where you'll find me...

2009-01-07T21:36:00.006-05:00

1. I love to decorate but I have committment issues and no budget dedicated to it so there are no curtains in any room in my house other than the kids' room. I do have white plantation blinds on every window.

2. I wish people still made mix discs like they used to make mix tapes back in the day. When was the last time you got a really good mix disc out of the blue and you actually giggled with anticipation waiting for the next track to begin?

3. If I was famous, I'd want to be like Gwen Stefani.

4. I fall more in love with Justin every day.

5. I love the F word and Diet Coke almost equally. I use the F word gratuitously despite how vulgar it probably is. I drink enough Diet Coke to feel like I need to quit. I have quit before and I will again. I really just love love them both, they're like old friends.

6. It's funny how friends, times, life shifts so continuously that these braids are made and sometimes you're the outside band and sometimes you're on the inside band. I love that I can truthfully say that I still count the same friends I had beside me when I was 15 as currently present although the degrees of presence are always fluctuating.

7. I like to believe that I am super-flexible and laid back but I suspect that I do not love change as much as I wish I did and I'm high strung (in all the right ways!).

8. I am pissed that Victorias Secret no longer carries laundry detergent. WHAT THE FUCK!?

O

Doing The Unstuck

2009-01-02T09:58:00.004-05:00

I haven't been truly depressed since I was about 21. It started when I was about 19 and lasted about 18 months. I got help. I even took meds until it passed. My parents were super supportive. My friends stuck by me. Most days, I can barely remember it. I do remember it full force on days where depression threatens to darken my doorway again, but thankfully, those times are far and few between (maybe 2 or 3 days per year). It happens so rarely because following that depression, I learned alot about myself and what my triggers for depression are and smart ways for me to avoid them. Depression runs deep in my family so I constantly take proactive steps to stay ahead of that lurking shadow. I truly believe that decisions I make including the attitude I adopt about any given situation has more control over my brain than my family history does.

I dipped pretty low after Georgia was born and it FREAKED me out. It was such a huge contrast to how much joy I felt after Wil was born. The guilt of that contrast made me feel even more depressed. I mean, I'd just had a beautiful little girl and I could barely speak without hissing through gritted teeth. After I had Wil, my cheek muscles ached for MONTHS from the euphoric smiling. People probably thought I was high and I felt alot like I was. I was just so damn happy. Justin and I couldn't even wait the 4 weeks until my OBGYN gave us the green light... eeww! I know!

I knew it was not "normal" for me to feel that good all the damn time. We all wondered if motherhood just really agreed with me and maybe I'd found my purpose in life, and how damn ironic that it was motherhood. I truly enjoyed every moment of it.

That euphoria lasted until the morning sickness of Georgia's pregnancy set in - and after that passed, I felt my normal speed again. Not euphoric, but certainly not depressed. I was happy to be pregnant again, knowing it was probably the last time for us. I was relieved in alot of ways to be feeling normal again. Shiny-happy-Jessee was probably obnoxious.

I felt normal again, I was stressed at times, but no more so than during the pregnancy with Wil. I felt "normal" until about two weeks after I got home from the hospital with Georgia when things got dark. I never felt like a danger to myself or others, but I felt almost every other symptom underneath that on the post-partum depression warning poster. I could NOT stop crying.

When it was obvious that I wasn't snapping out of it, my mom, my sister, and my husband insisted that I go speak to someone. I just didn't want to. I totally support seeing a therapist and even taking meds when necessary, but I just didn't want to TALK. So instead of being verbal, I started exercising my head off!

If you know me, my choice to replace words with exercise was probably even more evidence that I was entirely off my rocker. I am active in general - there are times when I really embrace exercise in my life but I always fucking resent it. It pisses me off. Exercise and I remain respectful enemies. I know I need it, but I hate it the whole time. At one point, Amy and I used to take turns running to the stove to stir the cooking pasta between Tae Bo kicks and punches - so as not to delay dinner. But we totally took the Tae Bo seriously though. We (ok I) cut out photos of celebs from magazines and taped them up all around the living room as focal points for the punching and kicking spots.

I hadn't exercised with any regularity since before my pregnancy with Wil two years prior. Regardless, I decided I would try exercise before therapy. So - every day, I brought the kids to my Mom's and my Nike Free 5.0's (best running shoes in history), my iPod, and I really wrestled the demons out of me. It worked.

Week one: Strictly blind faith or fury - auto pilot
Week two: Noticeably better
Week three: I recognized myself again and laughed
Week four: I felt my version of "normal" again.

It felt really powerful to know I had the power to help myself like that. I've never identified with bulemia or anorexia being a way to control your environment but this exercise-to-fight-depression made it clearer to me. I was proud of myself for trying something else first when in my family, it seems that medicating (self or otherwise) seems to be the preferred method of dealing with emotional issues.

Whenever I think of that time after Georgia's birth AND/OR the time I was so depressed between 19 and 21, a song literally floods my brain... It's called Doing The Unstuck by The Cure:

kick out the gloom
kick out the blues
tear out the pages with all the bad news
pull down the mirrors and pull down the wall
stear up the stairs and tear up the floors
oh just burn down the house!
burn down the street!
turn everything red and the beat is complete
with the sound of your world going up in fire
it's a perfect day to throw back your head
and kiss it all goodbye

I am singing this song today...

O

Drug Addicts are STUPID!

2008-12-30T09:36:00.007-05:00

Every time I tune in to A&E's Intervention, I wonder how on earth these dumbasses "...agree to be in a documentary about addiction..." but "...do not know they will soon face an intervention."

This show is FAMOUS!? If I was an addict, I'd totally watch it if for no other reason than to gather new addict ideas.

At first I thought: Duh! Drug addicts don't remember to pay their cable bill! But COME THE F ON! If your closest family and friends are familiar enough with the show to have secured your dumbass a starring episode, you MUST have at least heard of it before.

I guess it's the mind-set of only hearing what you want to believe and disregarding the rest. I am sure that deep down, these people want attention and help for whatever their problems are so even the information they are disregarding consciously is being received subconsciously but SERIOUSLY?! HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THAT COMING? They cannot all be such talented actors...

I know if I ever see the cameras headed my way, I'ma run my ass off in the opposite direction!

O

Mother / Son bathroom bonding...

2008-12-27T11:22:00.000-05:00

My friend Dave has always laughed at me for doing this "sales" thing to him when we are just hanging out talking. He accuses me of offering up an idea and then nodding vehemently and at the very end of my idea, I slightly shrug my shoulders, while still nodding, to gain the listeners buy in.

It would go like this: "I don't know why everyone underestimates Gen X'ers, particularly late Gen X'ers by saying we are bitter, we have no identity, and no idea what to do for a living. I think [nod] people labeled us that after the grunge movement but before we [nod, nod] were at an age to actually be decidedly entrenched in careers. How can you make a generalization [nod, nod, nod] like that about a group of people who were still [nod, nod, nod, nod] under 25 at the time. Check [nod, nod, nod, nod, nod] those statistics now. We were just purposefully slow starters and late [shrug while still nodding] bloomers."

So this morning, I was getting Wil and Georgia ready to leave the house and Wil was taking a big dump. Once he finally finished the dump portion of his visit to the potty, he was able to pee. While peeing, he said "Mumma, Pee is gross...!" all the while nodding with a slight shrug at the end while still nodding to gain my buy in on his statement thought. He just turned 3 last month.

I left Dave a voicemail on my way to work, thanking him for pointing that out all these years if for no other reason than I was able to recognize the moment....

Also, Dave is ALWAYS amused by my writing style. He says he can picture me talking to myself as I write, and that all I'm actually doing is writing down conversations I have with myself. He thinks I'm wordy, but ususally interesting and funny enough to pull it off. I think of him alot when I edit myself. I'm okay with this.

0

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T11:01:00.001-05:00

Justin thinks it's wildly entertaining that I know every word to just about every Christmas Carol ever published. He likes to find new or obscure ones and test me. It's rare that I don't know it. I can't really say why this is. I suppose it is just my freaky memory, and I've always liked Christmas music.

When Justin knows I'm not in the mood for the game, he'll goad me into it like this:

Justin sings loudly: "Christ! It's cold in Bethlehem. Warming to the newborn king!"

Fully knowing I will correct him and sing: "Christ was born in Bethlehem, glory to the newborn king!"

I have to admit, this year was the first year I'd really heard or noticed the verse including the lyric "Bring us some Figgy Pudding..." in the standard"We Wish You A Merry Christmas!"

O

Consistency is a BITCH!

2008-12-24T10:37:00.008-05:00

After the Diet Coke blog, as I often do, I examined why I even thought so hard about it...

I have a heightened sense of alertness and perception at all times. It's a burden as much as a strength. My brain feels responsible for tracking and keeping up with everything, and organizing that information constantly with a sub-disease of trying hard not to be wasteful. It drives my sister nuts - she has the opposite ability to just fucking buy more paperclips when you can't remember where you put the last box a thousand years ago. Me? I misplace the paperclips but if I concentrate and picture it in my brain, I can conjure up the memory of where it is. This is not instinct or organization, it is literally recalling a picture in my mind's eye, even if I haven't physically seen the item in years.

My husband has learned to use my filing system for his own benefit, but I pity him at times too because it demands consistency and he has absolutely none. Oddly, his random mind is a huge part of why we're good for eachother but if it weren't for his pure heart, genuine personality, and total honesty he'd never be able to stand me.

School was always a breeze and it's a great quality for work because I never have to ask the same question twice.

I have to physically force myself to LET GO at times. I should have LET GO of that wasted can of Diet Coke. I didn't.

My brain is always counting things and I don't even realize it until something goes missing. My husband can ask me where one of his hundred blue Bic pens is and I know exactly which one he means and exactly where he left it 3 months ago. I am like a Navigation system, I am utterly unable to get lost, even when I want to.

It is consuming brain activity, but most days, I am unable to stop it. This happens with or without my cooperation. I am able to reign it in and/or let it out at times where it can be helpful or appropriate, but I cannot stop it. So, I make every effort to use it for good instead of evil.

Most regretably, I cannot guarantee that this character flaw of mine won't get you in trouble with me someday. Although I make a point of keeping the results of identified inconsistencies to myself unless they are earth-shattering in nature, it does happen.

Case in point: You should not vehemently agree with me that racism is an abhorrent, uneducated, and disgusting point of view and then 12 years later, look over your shoulders and the proceed to use the N word in my presence. It will cause me to evaluate the truthfulness of everything else you've ever said to me. Sorry. I didn't mean to remember that conversation from 12 years ago when you gushed "tolerance if not acceptance" and shit like that.

I'm pretty sure your apetite for or comfort level with the N word is not something that increases with age and wisdom, which means you've always felt that way, but you faked it for my sake at one point in time.

0

I am uncontrollably meticulous and thirsty...

2008-12-23T18:09:00.000-05:00

Thirsty as ever, I grabbed a fresh Diet Coke as I was leaving the house to do some annoying errands today. I got a few miles away before I realized I'd left my crack, I mean, Diet Coke, in the garage while I was loading annyoing errand crap into the car.

Immediately upon this realization, I became psychotically thirsty. I saw mirages of hot, sandy deserts and dusty camels. My toungue felt thick and heavy, and my nose could distinctly remember the tingle that comes with the first few tingly sips of a pristine Diet Coke. I considered driving back home for it, knowing it was wasteful to let it get flat and warm while I did annoying errands.

Soon enough, rational thought returned and I just bought another Diet Coke. But when I got home, I made a point of locating the original can and I finished that one too. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

O

I'll trade money for happiness...

2008-12-22T12:10:00.009-05:00

I mentioned in a previous post (Did you just call me a statistic?!) how cutting back on work to be home with the kids had a huge impact on our marriage. I've been thinking alot about that....

Justin and I have always done all the household chores/shopping together. It's not because we're some disgusting, hyper-organized, efficient couple who cannot be away from eachother. It actually started as this quirky habit while we were dating. The quirky habit is rooted in Justin's love of meandering the aisles at SUPER stores. He does it artfully, there is no timeframe -just browsing and shopping and checking stuff out. Never the mall, only SUPER stores. It's a study of pop-culture or something. It's soothing to him. Anyway, he has always done his grocery shopping on Sundays. I would join him when I spent weekends at his place. Eventually we were living together and it just became this thing our friends laughed at us for: "Oh, nevermind, can't do the cookout on Sunday, that's SHOPPING day! Hahahaha!".

Once we moved in together, I took over the laundry and most of the cleaning - Justin can't do either one for shit and I find these tasks cathartic and theraputic. Justin still contributed in ways that were a challenge and a risk for him. He (sort of) made the bed, he put laundry in the correct baskets, he took trash out, and made every attempt to embrace a whole new concept of not making a mess and leaving it. And most importantly, Justin knew that being inept did not exempt him from participation - he was always respectful enough to linger and keep me company until I released him. In a perfectly unplanned trade off, he took on most of the cooking duties. So, we were a modern couple from day one! We liked to make eachother's lives easier and play on our strengths. It was nice... until I went part-time at work.

Justin and I always agreed that if we were going to have kids, one or the other of us was going to be there with them as much as we could afford to do it. There was a time when we half considered Justin being that parent.

I knew before I tried to transition from career girl to mom, I knew that many women struggle with it. I was braced for it, and we tried to approach it realistically knowing that I very much define myself by my professional success and my career. Many people think it's a vacation to be allowed to stay home with kids. For me, it was a "sacrifice", but it was something I would absolutely do for my children. There is nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for myself to give to my children. Now, DO NOT tell my children that, they'll get a big head! They'll realize it all in good time. In fact, that's how I'll know I did a good job!

In that previous post, I mention the tangeable shift in power when I reduced my work to part time. I did this power shift thing to myself. Justin never made me feel less important or expendable, but I definately made myself feel that way. Nobody pats you on the head and says "Good girl! You got all the laundry done with two sick kids underfoot!". Being at home did a number on my head. Nothing to qualify or quantify me? How will I know I'm doing it right? I was a validation junkie...

A few years before our first child, Justin's business started generating sustainable profits and that had alot to do with deciding I could work just part time. Since that time, Justin has been working 6 days per week and is often gone for more than 12 hours per day. His days normally start at 6am. He is dead tired by the time he hits the door and eats my crappy dinners. He can barely stay awake past 9pm. Most nights, he follows the kids to bed.

On the plus side, when he comes in after work, he immediately cuddles and loves all over the kids and we all kick it in the kitchen while he helps with dinner. On the minus side, when bath / bed time arrives he is ready for a break and wanders off to something else, leaving it all to me just as my breaking point for the day is approaching. After several months of this, I finally started dragging him back by the ear to help me until he got the hint. Incidentally, this dragging by the ear of a tired man by a frustrated woman adds sich a nice, warm feeling to the kids' bedtime routine.

"Hint" was the problem. He is so tired, he deserves the break. For a long time, I did everything myself. I did it in the hopes that at alternate points, he would do the same for me. I was forgetting that he is a dude. He cannot read my hopeful-ass mind, I know this (sometimes).

I felt too guilty to ASK him so I hinted... Oh my god! I became that girl. I hated to burden him to stay involved in the routine just a liiittle bit longer, that way we could both get to our downtime faster. I felt guilty asking him to help around the house, even on weekends. I felt guilty about asking him to unload the dishwasher. I felt petty about feeling so rageful that this man who I'd coached so well for 10 years was reverting back to dropping his dirty clothes beside the bed or the shower. I let all this crap load up on me, all while taking over the bookkeeping and office duties for his business, in addition to my own part time work.

I felt that standard "lonely for adult interaction" feeling. I eventually came to appreciate the evenings, when they all went to bed and I had a few hours to myself, but I was lonely. With him working so hard, I made a point to take over the grocery shopping, take over the cleaning altogether, and many other little tasks like this that we used to share. I did this so that when he was home, we weren't rushing in different directions trying to keep up with it all. So that he could hang out with us, so we wouldn't drift and develop different lives as so often happens.

The more I took on, the more my expectations of him lowered and lowered. He had less and less responsibility and was not at all engaged in the household. He became spoiled and irrelevant and uninterested. I did that to him. I thought I was doing us all a favor but really I created a monster, and I resented it. By last summer, I wanted to run away just so he would know how much work I did. I knew it was childish to want to "prove" something, but how else would he know to appreciate me?!??

In the past few months, his business, like so many, is way off - in fact, the damn thing is nearly shut down. Justin has been around alot more. It's an adjustment for all of us but if there is a silver lining to the economic downturn, it's that we love having him around AND his appreciation level for what I go through at home is way back up to where it used to be.

When he walks around dusting the living room, he can see for himself how badly the walls need to be painted. When he sweeps the floor, he can see how much damage Lucy has done to the wood floors. He cannot believe how many times per day you have to sweep the kitchen, so now - he remembers, without fail, to take those mud caked boots off so he won't poop on his own hard work. He knows the kids and their moods more intimately. And my personal fave: Sometimes I get to be the good cop now that he is around so much that he actively disciplines the children too.
I forgot about the importance of pride in ownership. I forgot that you own a thing more when you build it yourself. You care more when you stay involved. We feel more like ourselves these days and I am way less stressed...

O

Is that how you see me?!

2008-12-21T11:43:00.001-05:00

How do I tactfully and respectfully handle inappropriate job leads?

At the beginning of December, my company informed me, with heavy heart, that I will be laid off as of January 2nd.

When this happened, I took the advice of experts at http://www.pongoresume.com/ among others and I reached out to my personal and professional network with my resume and asked for their assistance in my search for the right job.

It ABSOLUTELY worked. I am so grateful to have my "network" beating the streets for me however, I am being inundated with leads for jobs that even if I wanted to, I could not entertain.
I think their gesture of mentioning that their Dental Office is hiring a receptionist is so kind and warm. I would never want to offend them by saying I not only need more challenge professionally (alot more), I also need more money for my family situation and frankly, my experience is worth more money than that.

How do I tell my husband's aunt that the cashier position at the local supermarket that she found for me won't cut it. She means well, and in her day - this would be a great job for a young, busy mom. She is all kinds of country and old timey. She says Extry, not Extra, as in, "Does he wear a large or an extry-large?!" She asks you to "study on what all I can get y'ins for Christmas!" and she has more money than T. Boone Pickens. She borrowed a dress to wear to our wedding. She is eccentric and old school and would think I'm just too big for my britches if I tried to explain that I am one of THOSE modern style women who has a CAREER, not just a job. When she checks back in with me and asks, "Did you go down there and fill out an application?!" I feel guilty whether I say Yes or No.

Many of these wonderful people (rightfully so) have no idea how much I make now, or have made before I landed here 7 years ago however they all know how talented, resourceful, and savvy I am at work. Many of these folks are in positions similar to the ones they're recommending.

Here is why it confounds me: If my boss was losing his job - I would NEVER presume that he could just go work as data entry clerk. I would assume he would look for something equal to what he earns/does now, wouldn't you?

Here is how I have been responding when these people are thoughtful enough to mention one of these positions: I thank them and let them know I'll look into it and then I give them a copy of my resume. I hand off the resume partly to encourage them to continue to think of me, but also to urge them to read between the lines a bit and see my depth of experience.

I may reach a point where one of these positions is going to save my family but until I am there, how do I avoid offending them while being honest?

O
Help!

I'm currently having...

2008-12-19T12:25:00.001-05:00

I'm currently having the following love/hate relationships:

Kanye West
I love him - he is MAD talented, he has MAD style, he is not afraid to be himself
I hate him - he is arrogant, smug, and has an attitude of total entitlement

My CAR
I love it - the luxury, the speed, the creature comforts, the wood grain in the steering wheel
I hate it - we are so upside down on it

The BITCH who brought in a fresh Christmas batch of Krispy Kremes to the office
I love her - it was the perfect pick me up for a dreary, damp, freakishly warm day
I hate her - I'm on my second one in 2 hours

Georgia's BRITAX carseat
I love it - it is SO FUCKING easy to install, it is truly a life-changing car seat
I hate it - it smells like fresh puke despite several washings of the cover and all reachable parts following last evenings barf fest

My brother
I love him - he is my brother, he is an amazing person and artist, he is hilarious, I hate him - he really hurts my feelings

O

At least he's creative?!

2008-12-19T00:37:00.001-05:00

Today, on the way to pre-school, I caught Wil checking himself out in my rear view mirror for an extended period of time. When he finally spoke, he said "Mumma, I don't want red lips. I want yellow lips." No shit, this is what he said to me.

O

Did you just call me a statistic?!

2008-12-16T13:02:00.003-05:00

In a previous post , I told you my adult life/work history story and in it, I mused the fact that I am a statistic in that I earn less now that I have children. I dislike it. I don't "feel" like a statistic. I've never given a shit what the Jones' are doing or even what the Jones' think of what I am doing. I'm more inclined to do the opposite of what my peers are doing. So I don't readily cop to it, but if only coincidentally - it's true, I am a statistic. Ugg!

I referenced "experts" who say things and here is a succinct quote from Penelope Trunk (http://www.blog.penelopetrunk.com/), CEO of Brazen Careerist who I follow and normally agree with:

She said in her most recent blog:
"There is no gender disparity. Women earn more money than men in their 20s and when they have kids, women choose to downscale and men don't, so why don't we all shut up about the pay disparity and talk about the parenting disparity?"

Oh Goody! Can we? Can we please talk about the parenting disparity?!

Call me a statistic all you want, I know the truth.

There was a time, before I actually carried my first child and gave birth, that we seriously considered Justin being the stay at home parent. Either way, we wanted one of us mostly home with the kids and I'm eternally grateful to family (specifically my mom) for always filling in the gaps and giving us this time with our kids. You never get these 0 to 5 years back. You can't do that when they're 15, once you finally find time. But....

There was a verifiable shift in my household when I went from earning big and being gone alot to being home more, earning less, and letting my husband provide. Yes, I said "letting my husband provide", and before you tear me down for being a femi-nazi, I say it that way for a few reasons: 1. Right about the time that I started taking it slower, he began earning very decent money in his self-made business, and 2) I had to talk myself down from the career ledge a more than few times and I still have to give myself permission to slow down and focus on home.

When I started to allow myself permission to be home, I did relax somewhat but I also I felt less power in the household. Justin never made me feel that way, I made myself feel that way. I felt less important, I felt expendable, I even felt less attractive (that was F'ed!). I was the one who lost sleep to be up with kids in the middle of the night. I was the default parent 24/7, even when Justin was home. It would never occur to him to breeze right out into the garage and spend an hour just screwing around, assuming I had the kids covered. I felt like I could never get a break. I felt dumped on at every turn with never a thank you. I ran errands and made lunch and wiped asses.

I know, waah! waah! waah! I also became my husband's back office (a part time job in itself) along with working a minimum of 20 hours a week at my own job. Basically, you feel like you shouldn't complain or expect help or respite from the children and household if you're being afforded the luxury of being able to be home, even on a part-time basis. Maybe my problem is that taking care of home, children and husband can be a busy (if not intense) full time job of it's own and then I added two part time jobs on top of it.

I always say, it's not hard work to be at home, but it is emotionally more work than having a career. This is because the work is mind-numbingly dull yet constant. Nothing defines you. Oh, they'll tell you that your children's good manners are a real testament to your hard work, but seriously?! Nobody pats you on the head for finishing the laundry and keeping the dishes clean. You break your day into 30 minute segments and you build your schedule around naps and meals, and you never truly get anything thoroughly finished. It's much more intense to have a full time career but there are peaks and valleys there. You usually get evenings and weeekends off, vacation weeks, and down time at holidays. And that down time gives you the energy and perspective you need to be a productive, meaningful contributor when you are at work. As your primary employer, Parenting does not give a shit what day of the week it is, when it's time to projectile vomit in the car - it's time. No matter that your last trip to Mexico was over 5 years ago.

I am a worker, I long for the challenge and the meaning it brings to parts of me that I rely on alot. Sure, my kids bring me more joy than I ever imagined and I've never loved so deeply - but I (me), I get something out of working that I will never get at home. I will have difficulty retiring.
But Penelope made me feel better about being a "statistic". A while back she finished a scathing blog (What women can do when they're young to be happy later on) with this sentence:
"But then, that's the trouble with all research—when it suggests a change you weren't already excited about, you decide that it doesn't apply to you. And I'm no exception."

Hells Yeah!

O

Car in Spanish

2008-12-15T00:39:00.001-05:00

In an effort to get Georgia to say more words lately, we drill her, as a family, in the car. We usually try to get Wil to say the word we want her to say so she'll think it's cool but to make it fun and challenging for Wil, we try to quiz him a bit too.

Justin: "Wil, say Car!"

Wil: "Car!"

Georgia said nothing.

Justin: "Good boy Wil! Now say Car in spanish..."

Wil: "Car in spanish!"

Georgia still said nothing.

O

Reminding myself...

2008-12-14T12:04:00.003-05:00

I'm being laid off. It's effective December 31st. They tearfully, painfully communicated this to me on December 10th. Fuck! MotherFucker! They cannot afford me anymore considering the economy. My active customers are a bit freaked, my sales people are freaked, and I am thoroughly scared and sad and frustrated! Fuck! I'm being laid off AGAIN! Again? Yes, again!

How did I get here? I came to this job from a different layoff in 2001 but to really explain that I need to go back to the start of my work life. It's all connected. I hope it's an interesting read, after all, it IS my adult life. Here goes:

After school, in 1991, I went to work as a peon at a massive insurance company as did many of my peers in the Hartford, CT area. Despite my corporate status of hamster in a wheel, I was the envy of my friends, because I could easily afford a brand new, ultra-sporty, two-seater in Samba Pearl Green and all the clothes I wanted from The Limited. I actually had the store credit card that offered the "gold" feature of being able to call ahead and reserve a dressing room and a store attendant to bring me everything in my size. For reals! Of course, I earned that by spending lots of money there and paying it off in full every month, but I digress...

After a couple of years of being a slave to the grind, a VP visited our department in his effort to better understand all of the minutiae of all of his departments. They seated him with me. He listened to me sell all afternoon.

Two years later, in 1995 - he took me with him when an equally huge competitor insurance company stole him away to pilot a very similar program with their company. So, Yankee be damned, I migrated to the South.

Within a year, the start-up was up and running very well. I met very good friends and the man I would marry (7 years and a cross-country move or two later). I got used to the South and the South got used to me. The company sent me everywhere to do everything. It was a heady love affair for company and employee alike.

The company groomed me with prestigious professional courses and then assigned me related projects CONSTANTLY.

I spent several weeks learning from some super-hip old dudes in Las Vegas, NV how to write content and sequence uber-effective training materials for adult learning. When I returned, I re-constructed our entire new-hire training program. The course was shortened by nearly 3 weeks AND churned out trainees that were so much more confident and prepared for the work. Those hilarious, old farts are still an industry leader in the training arena. People love to see that course on my resume and when they comment on it, I know that I'm talking to someone who totally knows their shit!

I spent 40 hours being coached by an NYC Industrial Psychology firm on Candidate Screening, Interviewing and Selection and was consequently sent to hire 300 positions ranging from entry level to management for a brand new location.

I re-wrote the Quality process which was the grade card for everything we did.

I streamlined policies and procedures constantly.

I was the person they sent to parts of the company that were flailing about miserably to whip them (softly but surely) into shape.

And the doozy: When our insurance company made history in 1999 by being THE very first one to merge with a bank legally for the first time in many, many years, I was the ONE person they sent to oversee the leveraging of one-anothers' products. Huge Deal!

It was INSANE. I did everything. They invested in me with so much professional education and experience and I paid them back by over-delivering at every turn. They knew I took my success very seriously and that meant I took their success very seriously. I was THE golden girl. Even when I was "wrong", I got such meaningful information from being wrong that it was right to be wrong.

I was between the ages of 21 and 27 when all of this happened.

People or departments who I was sent to work my magic on would have the same cartoon bubble thought over their heads saying "Who the hell is this kid? She is a baby! Why did they send her?!". My my magic was all in how I finessed situations. I approached everyone I ever worked with the way my VP approached me that one day he sat with me. I'd say, "Teach me what you do and why..." I never offered criticism, and I never gloated about my position. I was always humble and when my feedback did come across to them, it came across so consultatively that they felt it was their own ideas they were implementing. It has been invaluable in work and life for me to use that as my secret weapon. People generally internalize concepts and ideas much more effectively when they own it. You can't tell anyone anything, don't even waste your time!

Invariably, I left these projects with a new ally in my pocket and I eventually had a proponent in every part of the company that I touched. Thus, my success snowballed. It was no accident.

Just months before my wedding in 2001, I was offered - interview process not necessary - a heavy duty position back in the north. I turned it down. I never even really considered it, but felt so grateful for the compliment of being thought so highly of.

About a month later, along with 90% of the other pilot staff, I was laid off. Fuck! MotherFucker! Fuck me in the Goat Ass!

I'm sorry?!? I had no idea that we were still a pilot?!?!

I was never one for arrogance, but suddenly my professional ego or MOJO went heart first into the nearest toilet and made a comfortable home there in the ice-water. It was like I had vertigo. I felt like a cat with my whiskers cut off.

Most painful was maintaining social friendships with my former peers, but somehow a handful of those relationships have sustained. We don't meet for happy hour every Friday anymore, but we attend annual summer picnics and trade our children's photos at the holidays.

I was so devastated that it took me months to see that they tried to salvage me by offering me that position back in the north. It took me years to consider that my project work year in and year out had upped the salary for my official title of Manager of Strategic Distribution so much so that when it came time to reel the pilot waaayy in, I was not cost-effective.

Even still, I had a hard time reconciling the success of all my business building project work with the fact that the pilot inevitably failed.

So following that layoff, in 2001, I accepted a temporary position in telecommunications that became a permanent position. I should say I started another love affair with my work. I love what I do! The company is small (less than 250 employees in 10 locations spread over the south east) but quite nimble and cutting edge. They are innovative but lack the pocketbook for truly riding the rails, so even the most calculated risk is generally discouraged. I've done very meaningful work here. I've polished up what used to be jagged and rough. I've stream lined procedures and workflows that didn't even exist when I arrived. I standardized things and found a cost-effective rhythm. Essentially, I have brought about sophistication. They have always had the talent, the fiber (no - not telecom fiber, like fiber-of-their-being fiber), and the goods to be sophisticated, they just weren't.

My company who is still owned and run by the man who started in his garage 34 years ago. This is very rare for a technology, specifically telecom, company to have never been bought, sold or traded. To say the least, they hold their own in the market! The company is full of super-geeks who LOVE what they do and do it amazingly well! The problem is that they lack(ed) sophistication with their delivery. The sophistication and rhythm that keep your best clients from defecting to a competitor and/or the buyers remorse if a new customer isn't handled exactly right! That sophistication is usually very expensive - so they lucked into me at a very vulnerable time in my career. I needed the jump start and the feel of building something meaningful - I got that along with tons of flexibility and positive feedback.

Sensing the economic downturn, back in spring, I started staking out new challenges, but not with much fervor. I thought I had time. After a few months, my old insurance company had a posting for my old position. I didn't know how I felt, or how they'd feel - maybe once around is enough sometimes.

But fuck it, the daredevil in me went for it.

They all fawned on me and made moony eyes and I interviewed my sweet little ASS off! Turns out, they are finally growing, they've finally nailed down the formula. Every person I met with over the 4 hour process (new face or old) all had positive and specific things to say about my pioneer contributions and how they arrived where they are today.

I didn't get that opening but they had a damn good reason. Most of their growth so far has resulted in internal promotions and this time, they purposely went outside to find fresh meat. As much as they all agreed I would have been a deliciously perfect fit both culturally and experience-wise, the other finalist had just that edge over me. They have strongly encouraged me to come back in for the next opening.

In the process of that interview, I FINALLY reconciled my lingering doubts about my work there and the resulting layoff. I realized that I'd followed their instructions. Very well. To the letter. I slayed every goal they set for me. They told me to build something and hellfire, I built that mother! I was a worker bee, a savvy one, but a worker bee! The kind of worker bee you want buzzing around when you're building a business and a buttload of things need to be accomplished very well. I wasn't designing it, I was carrying out the design of someone else. And hey! Most valuable lesson learned in that reconciliation: I really like being that worker bee.

You couldn't pay me enough to be president of anything, but I do SO enjoy being the right hand man who is trusted to take an obscure, 5 word directive and turn it into a brilliant gem! I don't need much direction, but I do need direction. Oh and semi-regular feedback.

So the epiphany arrives post interview and I feel more confident as I continue my search, all the while plugging along at my current job. Fast forward to December 10th...

Now, the economy has officially shit the bed and my lil' lovely company cannot afford the luxury that is me. I am laid off effective December 31st. Fuck! MotherFucker! NOT A-fucking-GAIN!

As I interview for jobs now, I draw on so much of my amazing experience and it feels like I'm describing a crazy dream I had. I actually feel fraudulent while I talk, but it all really did happen. I embellish nothing, and yet I feel like I'm talking about someone I admire and aspire to be, not myself! Is that because the experience is in my distant past? Is that because I am so different now?

Admittedly, I've been floating along. This happy under-employment came to me just at the right time in my life. My husband has since built his business from the ground up, allowing me to earn less bread and take it easier. I've had two children, and a million other life changes have occurred. Once I slowed down at my sleepy little company, my personal life really took off. Did I finally allow it to come first or did the flexibility I suddenly had afford that?

Oh and SIDEBAR: I totally know you're thinking how much this all fits the mold of my generation of women in the workplace. Experts say nowadays, women make more than men early in their careers and trade that for men making more in the middle of their careers while they go home to have babies. Yeah, yeah - spare me the apron talk.

So, I am whoring my resume about, know any pimps?

O

I'm not embarassed to admit..

2008-12-13T22:51:00.001-05:00

It is one of my beliefs that good parents never necessarily wanted babies, they wanted a family. People who wanted "babies", meaning those sweet smelling swaddled bundles of warmth and peace, and those women to talk about lullabies and rocking chairs... I worry about them. I worry that they'll lose interest in their kids once they are no longer babies.

I think the 0-5 years are the most difficult, the most dreaded for me. I long for each new sign of independence. I wanted a family and that lifelong committment to people you love no matter what. I wanted to nurture, love, and build strong healthy individuals who I am so interestered to see what they accomplish in this life. I knew the sweet smell of a baby would turn to stanky diapers and spit-up before I could imagine it. No, I never did crave babies, but I was sure willing to do the baby years to get a family.

Maybe you're saying that I don't know what I'm talking about because my kids are 3 and 1. I'm basing this on having sisters born when I was 17 and 19 years old and having a very active role in their upbringing. I'm also basing this on my parents taking in foster babies, and mostly medically fragile ones for most of my teenage years. It was a family effort, we all loved it and pitched in. It was my mom's full time work, and she felt very strongly about this work and it showed. She got many accolades for her dedication and committment to these kids. My parents made a point not to "adopt" but to keep these babies until they went into adoptive risk homes (hopefully their last stop in the state foster care system). It was also a fabulous birth control method for teens considering sexual activity. Even my horny guy friends were more cautious. I did learn how lovely babies are but I also grew an awesome respect for the amount of work they require.

As a parent, I'm more interested in each new age. I want them to walk, and talk, and potty train, and argue with me, and tell me they want "Daddy!" because I know that means a small person is forming right there in front of me. Holy shit! I have contributed to the creation of a person with an identity of their own who might someday have my voice in their head. Doing the right thing never held more importance than when you have children. They see how you sit on the toilet and they see you roll your eyes when your mother is on the phone AGAIN that day. They know all your deep dark secrets, if not by name, by feel.

That said, I make every attempt to be real - I am not a parent who puts on a happy front at all times for my kids, but I do very much try to keep the negative burdens manageable for them. I disagree with parents who feel that your child should never feel that you're disappointed in them or mad at them. Hell yeah, I'm mad! You just bit me you little fucker! I'm pissed as hell and it hurts! I don't want to see you now. Go away. There is nothing wrong with this. If I approve of everything my kids do, how will they know the good from the bad? I will not raise one of those kids. That is how the real world works and I'm doing my children a disservice to purposely spare them of that notion until they go out there on their own?!?

O

Virtual Childhood

2008-12-10T00:06:00.001-05:00

It's such a huge loss that kids only know how to interact with eachother from behind the safety of their pc and would have no idea how to actually play spin the bottle in person. They are missing out on so much! Life skills you learn as a teen from interacting, facing rejection, dealing with real emotions - are all performed in a virtual world. I wonder if teens even pass notes in school anymore what with the advent of texting.

As a teen, I did whatever I could to see my friends including walk 4 miles in a blizzard on a snow day to meet at a greasy breakfast joint - or - hiking my skinny ass all the way up Pinnacle Mountain in the dark and freezing cold just to drink shitty keg beer! It was good, (un)clean fun! Now, a snowday means who can I IM today? It's all so virtual, there is barely anything real left! I'd hate to be a teenager nowadays!

O

My McObsession with Breakfast

2008-12-03T14:59:00.001-05:00

I should explain why breakfast at McD's is such a treat for me after this last McPost

Somewhere around the age of 5, I stopped eating meat which meant no more happy meals. As much as that seemed unfair, I didn't like the meat so much that I found the strenth to give up happy meals for not being forced to eat the burger lest an Ethiopan child find out I wouldn't eat my burger. The meat just skeeved me out. The texture was all wrong, and even as a five year old I was indignant about the shape that they serve the McRib in. I mean, COME ON!! It's straight up insulting to put that sandwich patty into the shape of real ribs with the bones jutting out in a pattern.

When I stumbled on McD's breakfast menu, I felt like a born-again American saying: "Hi! I would like a number 3 with NO bacon and a large diet coke, please!"

To be fair, most all meats disgust me and if I think about eggs and chickens for too long, I can't eat either of those things until I forget again. Oh, it's nothing moral or environmental - I'm just not generally a fan of meats or fish or poultry of any kind. Do NOT tell my children this, please!

Admittedly, and maybe not so coincidentally, my tastes in food have not matured beyond the age I was when I boycotted meats, particularly fast food meats. For a brief time, when McNuggets hit my scene, I gave them a serious try but invariably, I always bite straight into some chunk of grissle and I give up again.

There are exceptions.

For example: a carefully prepared filet stuffed with gorgonzola or bleu cheese fresh from my friend Danny's grill. Danny taught me how to eat steak. He wholeheartedly maintains that the words "steak" and "sauce" used together are quite profane yet used seperately are holy words. He is known for walking into the house on every Saturday wearing his "weekend uniform" of yellow snowboard pants (yes, yellow, like fireman pants, and yes snowboard as in winter sport, and yes even in JULY in the south), with a plain white undershirt tee, and unlaced running shoes. After incoherent grumblings while passing me on his mission to my refrigerator, he rummages around like a hungry bear in springtime until he finds non-moulded food stuffs (generally aged takeout) and then asks in all seriousness, "You got some sauce I can put on this??!!"

This is charming for two reasons: 1. He has done this every single weekend that he lived within an hours drive of us over the past 13 years that we've been friends and, 2. His southern Georgia drawl takes the maniacal edge off his food missions (but, incidently, not his mild lactose intolerance farts). Danny can make one hell of a steak!

Another exception is BACON. You know EXACTLY what I mean about BACON, don't you!?

Thanksgiving - what a meal! I start making room in about August!

O

McSeriously? 10:30am?

2008-12-01T21:09:00.001-05:00

Since the time I discovered the salvation that is the breakfast menu at McD's (or Old MacDonald's as my 3 year old refers to it) I have been personally and deeply offended by their breakfast hours. I can remember thinking to myself that by the time I was in my mid-30's surely population shifts and generational consumerism would DICTATE without question that NOBODY wants a hamburger before 11:30am, and on the off chance that you do, a sausage mcmuffin would scratch that freaky itch, right?

Wrong!

Those bastards still cut breakfast off at 10:30.

In my single years, the concept of breakfast shutting down at 10:30 am irritated me because I consistently made it to work with about a millisecond to spare so I never stopped for breakfast. My hips are grateful for the intimate relationship I had with my snooze button. All week long, as I passed the golden arches at staggering speeds, I would shake my fist and promise mad damage come Saturday morning.

By Saturday morning, my hungover ass was as inclined to roll out for a "bacon egg and cheese with no bacon" as I was to wear FMB's.

In presesnt times, the Saturday AM hangover has been replaced by toddler morning breath and PBS Kids BUT STILL, getting out of the house in time to join the around-the-block-I-shit-you-not drivethru line before 10:10am is a feat deserving of an extra hasbrown. And we all know 10:10 to be the magic moment because just like bars at closing time, the McManager sets the clock six minutes fast AND you're never the only idiot craving the McCrack.

By 10:10am, the parking lot at ANY McD's becomes a rodeo circus of McCrack-heads. I always snicker at the dumbasses who parked and went inside because NOBODY in this drivethru line is leaving an inch between thier oversized, overpriced SUV and the oversized, overpriced crossover ahead of them for fear that a hungover 20-something in a miniature hybrid will line jump them. Sorry suckers! You parked! You're not going anywhere until 10:31am.

Did you know that "black friday" is modeled after McD's between 10:10 and 10:30 AM? Seriously, it's some marketing stragety designed to create urgency and minimize waste, right? I mean, who the hell wants a burger at 10:31 am on any given day?

Anyway, can we start a movement or something? Can I speak to your manager? Oh and also, why do they insist on putting the trash can AFTER the pick up window? Puhlease, strategically place this trash recepticle between the pay window and the pick up window so I can make space for new crap!! DUH!

O

How sick am I?

2008-11-14T23:00:00.001-05:00

I totally want to marry Hank Moody!

I generally think David Duchovny is a decent actor, but I don't always enjoy his genre of films, so I say I "like"him, not I "love" him. Something about the character of Hank Moody as portrayed by Duchovny makes me warm in secret places. It's perfect. Maybe Duchovny gets an upgrade.

O

Back seat driver

2008-08-22T15:45:00.001-04:00

Recently, we were stuck in a bit of traffic. We were positioned about 10 cars back from the red light that had turned green not more than a nanosecond before when the following conversation transpired:

Wil - "Drive! Mumma! Drive!"

Mumma - "Don't sweat me, Wil!"

O

Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav...

2008-08-13T02:19:00.001-04:00

If you know me, you know I loves me some Comedy Central...(except for Sarah Silverman, Lil' Bush, and Drawn Together). South Park is funnier and more relevant every season that it's on. Reno 911 is the perfect campy comedy. I loved last season's Half Way Home. Plus, they rerun SCRUBS like a motherfucker! It's great. This pregnancy would have been twice as long without Comedy Central. Watching Jon Stewart's Daily Show is like being in my head, hearing my stream of consciousness every evening when I watch the Nightly World News. I suspect that I only watch the Nightly World News so that the Daily Show will make sense to me, but that is probably a horrible thing to admit.

I know that it's not really a roast in the tradition of Friar's Roasts when Comedy Central does one these days but I tune in for all of them. I don't like that Comedy Central uses their "staff" comics like Greg Geraldo, Lisa Lampinelli, Jeffrey Ross, Jimmy Kimmel, etc. They are truly fucking funny but in most cases they may or may not even know the roastee. Sure, they mix it up with people from the roastee's life but I don't think that embodies the original spirit of a Friar's Roast. And they also roast non-roastworthy folks (c'mon, Pamela Anderson?!) sometimes...

So, I tuned in for Flavor Flav's roast last night and there was some bed shaking laughter going on in my house for sure! Poor Justin was trying to sleep.. I thought the funniest moment was when Katt Williams said that Carrot Top looked like the child of Ronald McDonald and Wendys!

0

Part of the problem, or part of the solution?

2008-07-30T12:09:00.000-04:00

It seems idiotic that the general public is so pissed about soaring gas prices this summer that "staycation" is now a word and you cannot have a conversation without it coming up YET 99 out of 100 cars out there on the roads and highways are commuting around with windows up and AC on full blast. Mc FLY!?! HELLO?!!!

So Beej commented on August 10th, when she FINALLY got around to reading my blog, AHEM!:
I recently read that using the AC does not increase gas consumption or save gas by not using it - that was only the case with old beaters like the 1970 loads etc. Now a days, ACs are so efficient that they really do not increase use of gas. But back in the "olden days" like when you were little cars were not near as efficient so using the AC meant a lot more energy use/ gas use. But then again, you drive a Cadillac SUV you fucking moron.. You are a SUV road hog/gas guzzler... I love yelling at people in SUVs..

To which I replied:
REALLY? You 6 cylinder BMW WAGON driving bitch, then why in any car I've ever owned does using the Air Conditioning CONSUME twice the gas (ok, 1/3 more in reality)!!?

Also, it makes any car I've ever owned (including very energy efficient Honda/Acura's) run like it's towing a full-sized Walmart down I75 in rushhour? And don't crack on my crossover wagon, I wanted a campy lil' volvo wagon (I covet your car) and even more importantly, I'll remind you that I had to DRAG YOU by your greasy pony tail off the fucking FORD lot - ahem - Mariner ring a bell??!!

Admittedly, on my road trips recently, I can see a huge increase in Ford ownership and their CONSUMER ratings have advanced by leaps and bounds - they're actually competing very well with foreign markets. I know you and Josh were way impressed with that Ford SUV you rented for the trip to the Baby Shower.

[I'm doing it again.... I'm blogging within the comment of a blog!!]

Ford appeared to lead American truck sales for like 20 years now but that was inflated due to service companies who buy trucks for their staff always get HUGE fleet discounts for those lil' white trucks you see and always associate with a service vehicle. Now they're taking the car market by storm by FUCKING FINALLY designing a car that resembles in build, size, features, and engine specs what German and Japanese auto makers have been SLAMMING them with for DECADES!

Hey FORD, Welcome to the 80's!!

0

Friends' quirky, more interesting cousin...

2008-07-24T18:00:00.000-04:00

I love the TBS show "My Boys!". It's cute and hip without trying too hard. Check it out.

I've been listening to...

2008-06-30T12:20:00.000-04:00

I've been living on repeat listens to the newly re-released Liz Phair, Exile in Guyville. I love it every bit as much as I did when it debuted, but I sortof miss the odd, unexplained thickness of the old disc. "Ant in Alaska" kicks ass!

The newest Weezer is also rocking my senses!

Both of these gems are compliments of Amy - the only music source I really ever trust!

And I chronically listen to, as always, Dr. Dre's THE CHRONIC circa nine-deuce, bitches! I think I'm literally on my third copy of that disc.

Does anyone else think..

2007-10-25T17:42:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else think Sean Penn would make a great Popeye?!? I'm sure the role doesn't have enough pain, grit, or intensity for him - he forgets he played Spicoli once upon a time... Although, I do look forward to "Into The Wild" but mostly because I enjoyed the book 11 years ago and because I really like Emile Hirsch as a young actor. I think I'm looking forward to the soundtrack even more than the movie, though!

As interesting as it is, I remain puzzled as to why America has embraced this story about Alexander Supertramp and his death - tons of people die of stupidity and unpreparedness in the wilderness every year. He wasn't all that easy to identify with other than in a completely fantastic way - scary even. Maybe it was just because Krakauer wrote about him. Who knows...

Oh, and UH - the Red Sox ROCK! I totally want to marry Papelbon and make out with Ellsbury!

0

Don't be a sucker like the rest of the world!

2007-09-26T23:14:00.001-04:00

Ok, this is the only speech I'll make to expectant parents and I really, really feel strongly about this: DO NOT FIND OUT THE SEX OF YOUR BABY!

I've done it both ways. With my first child (William), we didn't want to know and when the doctor said "It's a boy!", my heart literally skipped a beat! IT WAS THE SINGLE MOST EXCITING THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE!

With my second child (Georgia), again we didn't want to know but the doctor slipped and told us about halfway through the pregnancy, it was totally anti-climactic. I feel even more strongly now that I've done it both ways. The pregnancy itself is exciting enough. It's a short time and it's the only time in your life when you can truly be surprised!

As far as preparing for a boy or a girl - white clothes and bedding are better than any colors because babies get stains and white can be bleached clean. Also - all babies wear for the first 8 weeks is little t-shirts, gowns, and onesies.

As far as decorating, there are so many great neutral room themes that are far classier than pink girl / blue boy stuff. Once that little shawty arrives, you can go to your favorite baby clothes store and stock up on all that you want in the right colors. This also ensures that you won't overbuy throughout your pregnancy and be wasteful. Plus, what if you have a teeny tiny baby and you didn't buy teeny tiny clothes. OR what if you did buy teeny tiny clothes (and you already washed them so baby would have clean clothes as soon as you get home because you won't feel like doing laundry) and your baby is not so teeny tiny and you can't return them!!! Just get generic white stuff and wait...so many reasons to wait...

When you register for your shower, let people buy you equipment, gear, and diapers - not clothes. Other peoples taste in baby clothes sucks so bad anyway. Trust me, you'll need gear and equipment more than clothes that you can afford to buy yourself in exactly the style you like. And regarding the gear: I nearly stroke out when I see a Dad pushing a fluffy pink stroller with a fluffier fuscia baby bag through the mall. Get the gear to match your life, not the baby's gender! The car seat should coordinate with your CAR. The baby bag basically becomes your purse - so use the same rules for handbag purchasing. I personally protected my husband from stylish women stroking out when they saw him with baby gear in the mall by purchasing him his very own Jack Spade (husband of Kate) Field Bag. I gave it to him for Father's Day before the baby arrived. The first time he decided to take Wil on his own, he was psyched about packing up his very own bag for him but he did leave it at the very first place he stopped.

I really think it can help you bond with the baby faster too because you are so distracted by the surprise of "boy" or "girl" that you don't have time to be freaked out AND ALSO when you don't know, you cannot develop a specific expectation of how the baby will look so it can alleviate disappointment or lack of recognition.

When things get tough at the end when you're so uncomfortable it will give you so much to think about and focus on when you really need it! When you're actually in labor, you have so much anxiety already, and you're so scared that you need something to focus on to get your mind off it and that is the only thing big enough to distract you!

My mother-in-law literally got MAD at me 4 or 5 times during my pregnancy with Wil because we wanted it to be a surprise. She was outright angry because she wanted to know, damnit! It drove her up a wall. Before he was born, in the hospital, she told me she was so glad we didn't find out, she thought it was the most exciting birth she ever waited for because of that.

Also, three or four friends of mine just had babies and they all found out the sex, knew the name, etc. so far in advance that when it came time for the birth, people were like "Oh, I kept thinking they had her a while ago..." because they already knew sex/name. They just were not nearly as excited and believe me, you need people to be excited for you and stay excited for you!
Sometimes, they're wrong anyway and how devastating would that be?
Update: December 2008: Before, I'd only heard of it happening. Now, I actually know a woman who was having a girl, had the name, the clothes, the nursery all in PINK and brown {played out but pretty} and went to the hospital to have her, and OOPS! FUCKING BOY! Sorry!

It's very tempting to find out, but when you do find out, the huge surprise is all over with in one short second and then the excitement is over. With Wil, my office did a "baby pool" and bet a pot of almost $1,000 on boy/girl/length/weight - and then they donated the money to us anyway...and sent us a huge fruit basket with chocolate and treats with a big blue bow on it to the hospital. It was so much more exciting!! With Georgia, they didn't even send a card or flowers to the hospital!

Don't be a sucker like the rest of the world. It is truly one on the most amazing surprises of your life. Please do not find out!

Not always a fan...

2007-08-13T14:15:00.000-04:00

I am not always a fan of these lists but this one was not only funny but about 72% true for me anyway. Oh, don't even act like you're above it.

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@ kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach!
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty goodshit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it!

0

Tee Hee!!

2006-10-19T20:30:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I was checking out my best friend's daughter's myspace (she is 13) and one of her little friends left her a comment that I've pasted below. What makes it funny is that it's so genuine, she really means it... Read it through despite how painful it gets - the middle to end is the best part, but I deleted the one name to protect the innocent, I didn't care about the other names... Damn, kids are stupit funny - here goes:

"heyy, this comment is for melissa since she's always on your myspace obviously i kno she's on my yop friends im not an idiot i been cool wit her and sarah basil told lynleigh that sam said that brian was a stalker and im not gonna tell lynleigh to stop saying that caz lynleigh is my best friend so if you want suttin done then step up and you tell lynleigh yourself...luv ya"

The best part is the end, "luv ya"! How funny is this?! It's like an SNL skit!

x

Six Degrees of Separation? Try 2!

2006-09-26T23:32:00.000-04:00

6 Degrees of Seperation? More like 2!!

I realized while drafting an email the other day, how MySpace and Facebook have entirely reduced the 6 Degrees of Seperation to about 2 degrees.

It's creepy - I've lived all over the US and I have a handful of close friends who I've stayed in touch with through every move. I used to pride myself on being the kind of friend who stays in touch. MySpace and Facebook make the world seem so small (and cheap!).

I'm not one to really search through profiles of friends and their friends because it is simply OVERWHELMING! It spins out of control when you think about it, but I have done it - you know who you are! I guess it depends on my mood or if I'm bored at work...

Making a list of people I know who DO NOT have a MySpace and /or Facebook would be much less work than making a list of those who do. What is that? And to browse them all, you see just such a different side of the people you think you know. And of course, you do the whole "Would I even be friends with you if I just saw your profile? thing" and even if you find them, you don't always want them to find you, who knows why. I'm telling you - it's fucking creepy!

I do my best NOT to get addicted, but sadly - I think it surpasses e-mail and the address book I've painstakingly kept up with forever for keeping in touch with people anymore. With MySpace and Facebook, you don't need to remember any email addresses other than your own.
What would we do if MySpace / Facebook was shut down or went out of service all the sudden one day? The only thing I can imagine that would annoy me more is losing my cell phone (only because it has irreplaceable phone numbers in the phone book).

I've had a MySpace for about 14 months now and as much as I resist, I rely on it! Ugg! I mean I am a staunch believer in my old fashioned Franklin Planner - I cannot adopt the technology of a Palm Pilot - I mean what if the battery up and died on me? I cannot give up my check register - even though my husband INSISTS that I am stubborn like a mule and QuickBooks would work financial miracles for us. We use it for his business, I am GOOD at QuickBooks and I still refuse to use it for personal use. I don't think you should find out the sex of your baby until it is born! I am a technology whiz in most areas, but there are some things I think are sacred and need to stay HUMAN!

Thoughts?

Who on earth asked??

2006-06-10T23:43:00.000-04:00

So after reading my "Because you asked.." blog, a very good friend could not believe another friend of mine would ask if childbirth was "worth it". I don't blame her one bit for her question. Here is my response to her:

My friend Priscilla asked me what childbirth was really like - she did not ask if it was worth it. Of course we all know it's worth it. What you don't always know and can't understand until you actually have the kid is HOW worth it.

I could have EASILY been one of those women who never had children. You knew me back when... It might have been a twinge of something I missed here and there as I got older, but you know Justin and I weren't trying to give up our package vacations and stuff and stuff. We had to come to terms with how to continue to have that stuff with Wil and we decided Wil is just going to have to be cool like us. I don't think parents really consider that before having kids. He is just GOING to be the one 4 year old you see helping old ladies find their gates at the airport. He is going to have his own passport and his own luggage (and I will not be the MOM of his shit). He will learn to pack his own bag and don't bring shit you can't carry by yourself and he is going to learn that life is what you make it and you take the fun with you. I was never scared of this responsibility of teaching him how to be his own person - THIS is parenting. Parenting is not picking out cute outfits and buying a station wagon.

Because you asked...(more for the ladies)!

2006-06-01T23:36:00.000-04:00

Probably more for the girls...

A friend recently asked how terrifying childbirth really was. In a previous blog (which I wrote AFTER having my son) I listed "childbirth" as one of the three unresolved fears that I live with to this day (the other two are needles and bugs). Naturally, my answer to her question cannot be simple but please note that I wouldn't tell the story unless she asked.

Also, in preface to this blog, I heard a phrase the other day and my blog is exactly why this phrase was coined. You're supposed to use this phrase when you want to hurry someone to the point of any kind of story (not just childbirth stories). The phrase is, "Enough about the delivery - tell us about the baby!" It's so true that new mothers want to talk about the delivery more than the baby. I guess that is because for 10 + months all we heard was everyone else's damned UNSOLICITED advice and labor stories which honestly are boring as hell to everyone but the person telling it.

We all vow never to be that girl, telling her 14 hour delivery story to everyone who will listen the moment they spot a waddling, huffing, puffing pregnant girl! I also vowed never to look at pregnant women with that irritating "oh-you-poor-thing-I've-been-there-and-I-understand" smile, I hated that as much as I hated people telling me to "get your rest now, haha!" AS IF I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW!!! But I guess maybe they didn't know during their first pregnancy so they feel like you don't either. We don't all go into this with our fairy tale helmets on...

There are many irritating things about pregnancy, and so many scary things, and so many wonderful things. The bottom line is that everyone has their own experience, no matter what 9 out of 10 other women experienced. You can get worked up or you can just deal... The best advice was always from other recently new moms and it came in the form of ITEMS they found helpful, not ways they handled things, or books they read, or how they felt, or how everloving helpful their fucking mothers were. The BOPPY was a nice piece of advice, the BODY PILLOW was a good thing to tell me about but hey you can keep the rest of it to yourself. Don't even get me started on the speeches we endure from veteran miscarriage sufferers...that is really a new blog for another time.

Anyway - here is my story, but it is not intended to scare or comfort you either way. You will do it your own way, in your own time. I am only telling you because you asked and while it feels good to tell it, I am not condoning the telling of these stories.

--------------------
The very idea of vaginal child birthwas what kept me from really wanting kids for so long. I WAS TERRIFIED and by terrified I mean white-hot sweats, diarreah cramps and daymares for the entire pregnancy. Second only to that fear was my fear of the epidural needle (see first paragraph for unresolved fears) but I was NOT going without an epidural even if they used a damn baseball bat to administer it so I didn't even indulge in that fear. Not getting the epidural was like the equivalent to the sound and feel of the crackle under your foot when a nasty bug is squashed. It's traumatizing enough to have even seen the bug (see first paragraph for unresolved fears) but add to that the sound effects and the feeling through your shoe of squashing it? No thank you, if was was gonna blow my vagina out, I did not want to feel/see/hear a thing about it!

So, I kept my focus on the birthing fear alone. Let me say, I am no wuss, I have had plenty of surgery (as an adult I have had my tonsils out, wisdom teeth pulled, two cystectomys, and a full-scale breast reduction) and I am told I am tough as nails but this birth thing - umm no, I could not rationalize.

The majority of pregnancy was bearable with minor annoyances such as endless nausea that flipped a switch one day and became endless heartburn, the neverending urge to pee (even as you leave the bathroom), and the unsolicited advice that people love to give. For the last 3 months, resting was not restful. I found that putting my feet up and laying down made me feel stiff and achy. I was better off if I kept moving.

Contractions were not at all what they scare you with - they were tough but they count you through them, you can watch them peak and receed and it feels pretty normal. I had no idea that I was even having real labor contractions but I was literally off the charts when the hooked me up to the monitor. It felt like having to pee and poo and sneeze and yawn all at once but while you had the wind knocked out of you - annoying yes, horrid and awful - not really!

I knew C Section was an option only if medically necessary. I'm told repeatedly that this is still the medical guideline despite all the celebrities and the "schedule your own C Section" news you hear - the ONLY time doctors are supposed to allow it to be scheduled is if they know for SURE you're going by C Section (such as when previous births have been C Sections).

I was ALL ABOUT going C Section, I really didn't want to blow out my girly parts for the rest of my sex life let alone allow my poor husband to watch that shit! My rule for him was that he stay absolutely above my elbows at all times! I literally cried (albiet quietly) in the birthing classes when they showed videos of it. Plus, C Section seemed like a great option because I felt comfortable knowing exactly how my body heals from that type of surgery versus the lower blowout! I mean, I am the sort of girl who enjoys regular pees and poos and what would that do to a person even if only temporary? EEWW! Have you ever avoided peeing and pooing all day? How about 2 or more weeks? One girlfriend mentioned that her blownout lower region had it's own throbbing heartbeat after just 5 minutes of standing upright and this was up to two weeks after birth!

Apparently I was not alone in this paralyzing fear. I have heard many times that at some point during your late pregnancy your brain starts compensating for that ultimate fear with an even greater curiousity. Hmm.... Ah, ha! Just as I suspected, that is bullshit to keep you hanging in there until it's too late. Well, Ok, I do have one girlfriend (the same one who later felt the throbbing heartbeat down there) who had an amazing curiousity about what the head would feel like in the birth canal. She is a fucking freak! I never really got there but, I also never screamed and yelled or said shit like "get this thing out of me" or looked at my husband and said "you did this to me, you bastard!" like you see in the movies. I was quoted as saying "WHO DOES THIS?!?" (meaning have babies) but this was when they were breaking my water which was the absolute worst part for me. I wasn't supposed to even feel that but I had extreme tenderness around my uterus. I didn't actually feel them break my water (there are no nerve endings where they break it), but getting the knitting needle hook in the right position for me was the painful part. I was in pretty bad pain even when they were checking to see how dilated I was which I am told is HIGHLY unusual. They said my uterus was extremely irritated - I have theories about why that I can save for some other time, some other blog. This uterus tenderness was the absolue worst part of the entire pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Even with that, only hours later, I was fully able to say YES - unequivocally - I will face it again.

Gratefully, I did have a C-section but only because I was past my due date, the baby would not drop despite the inducement - his heart rate kept dropping along with my blood pressure so they decided just to do it. About an hour before they rushed me back for the C Section, they gave me the epidural which was so much hype, it was WAY easy and WAY beyond worth it.

So I end the story here, telling you I had a healthy, beautiful boy who I would DIE for 100 times over so yes, I would blow out my poor vagina without a second thought and I didn't really know that for sure until I saw him. The more I get to know him, the smaller that price gets.

Oh and DO NOT FIND OUT THE SEX! THAT IS MY only ADVICE!